God it hurts. Hurts to breathe, hurts to just exist. Back on meds but didn’t take them for a while. Seems to be my pattern. Difference now is single mother of two, homeless, continually pushing away people who try to help because they just don’t get it. They don’t get how sometimes giving my 100% means just getting out of bed to make the kids cereal. Or how breathing can drain so much of my energy. Or even how it takes so much less energy for me to stay gloom and doom then it takes for me to actually be happy. Or how to actually be happy takes real prep work. It’s amazing how the smallest thing can drastically drop my mood and once I’m this far down it will honestly take at least a week of doing all the damn prep again to just balance myself again. I want to take ALL my pills, I want to drive into oncoming traffic or off a cliff, I want the pain to end. I want to just be running the track like the others jumping the hurdles instead of free climbing this sheer cliff of a mountain. I got dealt such a shotty hand in life, still I’m sure there are those worse off. God I feel insane, completely alone, lost, and a complete failure at life. The BF cares, he actually is amazing and I can’t believe he’s still around, he’s in love with me….yet I push him away because I’m terrified. He’s actually on his way to me cause I finally caved and told him where I was. God I started thinking today of re-admitting myself to the mental ward my last visit was years ago. I don’t know what to do, I feel too weak to actually do anything, too weak to be strong and god knows it’s dangerous for me to be weak but it’s so hard to be strong. I should be less stubborn and stupid and just let BF help me. Honestly though I don’t know how to let him in, I’ve been closed off since I was a kid like it seriously is hard for me to hug my seven year old. How fucked up is that?! How fucked up am I……I know what I have to do, the self care stuff, the stuff that if I don’t do I plummet down into this spiral and then it’s so hard to fight to get out again. It’s so hard to take that step when you don’t even want to fight to take a breath. Sometimes I wonder what I ever could have done to deserve this….in my stronger moments I think what am I being prepared for.

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