I laid in bed last night, praying for the Lord to take me home. I don't wanna do this anymore. Ending it myself is not an option. Damn those stupid Catholic sermons. Guess He needs me to stick around for a bit more…although for what purpose, I have no clue.

I always thought I had greatness inside myself….that I had a special purpose in life. I've spent my life doing everything I do in this life with gusto and passion. That especially included my parenting. I've tried so hard to be a good loving mom to my three kids. I've made mistakes, yes. But it sure wasn't for lack of loving them or trying. Those mistakes were minimal, in my opinion. I guess I would, being that what I compare them to is my own parents' "mistakes". But within the last year, I've heard from both my older kids that that isn't so. My initial thoughts were…seriously?? You should have had MY life…and you're spoiled rotten unappreciative snots. I just cannot accept the fact that I apparently was not the parent I thought I was. I have spent my life, since 18 yrs old, revolving my every action, decision based on how it would affect my kids and trying to do what was best for THEM…not myself. Guess that's why I am feeling angry today. Was it all in vain? Did I waste all that mental anguish and thought and effort into doing what I thought was right for them?

I said some pretty harsh words to my 18 yr old son yesterday when he was informing me that I wasn't the good mom that I thought I was because I wouldn't let him drive 45 minutes in a snow storm. Sad thing is, I'm not sure if I meant them or not. I DO wanna be selfish for once in my life. I DO want to do what I want without giving thought to them every single time. I DO want to have a social life again. Funny, I never resented it it all…what I know I've given up and missed out on…til now…knowing it's not only not appreciated…it's not even recognized. 🙁 I wasn't looking for a metal or mother of the year award or anything…just a "thanks mom…good job" once in awhle.

The anger in me says to myself…screw em…if I've been doing it all wrong with all this effort…what is the damn point in continuing?! I wanna run away…go have some fun…forget my neverending responsibilities for awhile. Some place warm…in the mountains where I can watch sunrises and hear and smell nature. Some place where nobody wants anything from me.