Today was my 1st day off in two weeks, and I did nothing. I went and got my mom cigarettes, I took a shower, and I did laundry but that was really about it. I have not wanted to do anything for a while and I did that today, thinking that maybe it would make me feel better, but it didn't, I still feel really depressed & even though I was cuddled up with my boyfriend in bed most of the day, watching some of my favorite movies (Harry Potter) I still felt so alone.

I hate this. I hate feeling this depressed & like no matter what, I'm not going to be happy. I know it must be the lack of medications, & I've been trying for two fucking weeks to get back on medicine, but it seems like everyone that I've gone to, has stopped taking my insurance or won't answer a fucking phone call.

Tomorrow I'm gonna have to cave in and go to Saluscare & hope to god that they don't baker act me. I don't want to feel this way, I've been self-medicating, with Sex, Cutting, Porn, and probably taking more sleeping pills than I am suppose to take. I'd give anything to feel alive again, & not depressed & numb and like no matter what I do, it doesn't matter.

I am making the people around me, miserable as hell, I don't find joy in anything, unless having sex, & once we are done having sex, unless I fall right asleep I go back to feeling like pure fucking shit again. I hate it. I don't know what's wrong with me, and why I am being made to feel this way, it just doesn't seem fair at all. I mean, am I really that terrible of a person that this is my life, & this is what I've to look forward to, if that's the case, than I just rather die now, and do everyone a favor.

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I am at risk of losing my job, & that scares the fuck out of me, if I lose my job I've no idea what me and my boyfriend are going to do. He has practically been living with me for the past two weeks, & I know my parents are going to pick up on it soon. We are looking for a place to live, & we have another roommate lined up, I just hope we find something soon.

I love my job, I love what I do, I love most of the people that I do work with, & I'd be devastated if I lost this job, I've been living in Florida for Six years now, and this is the 1st time that I actually have friends, and its because of this job.

My manager is going to fight for me though, and see what she can do to keep me on, my attendance this month so far is a 99.7% and its going to stay that way, I am trying for CRM which is a promotion, & I really hope I get it, but its based manly on attendance & my attendance is why I am at risk of losing my job, last month was a REALLY bad month. The man that I love went through a lot of rough spots last month & because of so, I miss attendance, & now I really have to bust my ass to keep my job. I just hope this one thing doesn't come to an end because if it does, I really have no idea what I am going to do with my life, or if I even will have a life.

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I got into a car accident in December, I totaled my parents car & my license was expired . So I had to go to court, and I was put into a Diversion program, basically I had to pay 200.00 dollars & get my license valid by May of this year, but the other day in the mail, I received a letter that my license has been revoked for the next 5 years, so I honestly have no fucking idea what i am going to do right now. I have a meeting with the guy who put me in the Diversion program this week & I honestly do not know what is going to happen. I'm stressed beyond belief, & really do not know what I am going to do. I feel so overwhelmed with everything that is going on & this just is making things worse, I feel like I've enough going on, & more and more shit just keep pilling up. When are things going to slow down, when am I going to be able to breathe again. When am I going to be okay? Because honestly I feel like things are never going to get any better.

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So about two months ago, I woke up with by far the worst pain in the fucking world, shooting pain up and down my back, sides, stomach and shoulders, I went to the hospital, they ran a ct scan, but could not find anything wrong, wrote me a prescription for the pain, & sent me on my way. About a month ago, I was at work, & the pain came back, the pain was by far just as bad as it was the 1st time, I could not go to the ER because my boyfriend could not miss any time from work, so I rode the pain out, until he got off work, by the time he got off work, the pain had subsided enough to where I didn't have to go to the ER. On Tuesday on my way to work, the pain came back again, Chris had to pull over & I threw up because the pain was SO severe, I took a pain pill & eventually the pain subsided enough to where I was able get through the day. Well last night the pain came back again, I honestly do not know how many times i am going to be able to go through it, because honestly, its the worst fucking pain that I've ever felt in my entire life. I rather die then to feel that kind of pain. I know there is something wrong, I've a feeling more than anything its my Gallbladder & its probably going to have to be removed, but I do not want to go to the hospital unless the pain is there & not leave until they figure out what the fuck is wrong with body & do something to help with the pain.

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I think I have written enough, but I still don't feel any better. My hands hurt from typing so much, so I think I will stop writing, I don't even think this will be read by anyone, I'm not really writing for anyone to really read or leave feedback, I'm writing for me, & hopes by writing it all out I can somehow feel a little bit better, but honestly I don't even know.