As for work tonight, my head hurt.  My stomach hurt.  So I took a  an hour brake by myself, in the Jeep…  It went away for about ten min.  When it started to come back I played in the sink for a little while…  I love how water feels.  I did more then a few rituals…  I stopped myself.  Even when a scary thought popped into my mind…  It was a horrid one too…  I even questioned myself about not doing the ritual.  And my eye has been twitching all damn day…  I wish it would stop.

Before Work I sat on the steps outside because I like how the sun feels on my skin, just like water.  Cirena came out there so that was nice.  Then Derick showed up…  And I didn't want to talk to him…  But at the same time I thought I should…  Cirena did most of the talking.  I talked a little bit.  But he made no sense as always.  Started lying.  And I use to be able to ignore that and just enjoy Derick but ever since I caught him looking into our windows, I just want to beat the shit out of him…  But I don't at the same time…  UGH It just keeps going back and forth back and forth…  I don't think I've done anything wrong…  But I feel like I have…  I hate feelings…  They are so stupid…  Then he has the nerve to pull out a NEW cell phone he JUST bought…  Where is my grandma's rent money?  And how come you have not mentioned your new "pretend" girlfriend to us???  He pulled out his cell phone and said "Does your guys look like this one?"  Who cares what ours looks like…  Why do you want yours to look like ours???  Then goes into this whole thing about how he doens't like it.  THEN WHY DID YOU BUY IT???  I didn't say that…