64 days ago I stopped doing drugs. Success bro!

Not saying 64 days is a lifetime, but I know it's a start… a start I'm definately proud of. My next goal? Stop smoking. That's gonna be hard as ever. Turning 18 in 4 days is not a help. I'll be able to buy my own cigarettes a lot easier. I could also go get pills again if I wanted to. But I really don't want to. I want too much for myself.

But quitting smoking? I don't know … my brother's dad's cancer spread from his lungs, to his brain, and now his lymph nodes. I found out my friend has a brain tumor. Why does life have to be so cruel sometimes? I don't want drugs, but I smoke all the time. It's not even that I want to … it has such a hold on me. Half the time, it makes me feel sick. I smoked a cigarette the other day, walked back up my porch and my heart rate had gone through the roof for like 15 minutes. But I can't get myself to stop.

I don't know if it's because it's the only way I know how to deal with things, or just because I'm so addicted to the nicotine. I'm doing a persuasive paper on not smoking… I always think these things will make me quit. I did the same sort of paper on smokeless tobacco last year. They never make me quit. I know all the things that are in cigarettes… how technically I'm drinking battery acid, nail polish remover, tar, etc. It's a terrible habit. I have to smoke all the time. In the morning, after I eat, after school, during breaks at work, before I go to bed. I smoke when I'm bored. I get into an argument with my mom, I smoke. Maybe that's why I smoke. I don't feel like she cares about me. Sometimes I do, not really. Everytime I walk into the house, I feel like I'm walking into a house of strangers. None of these people know me, and frankly, I don't feel like I know them either.