This is the kinda thing that happens to people. Probably like ten years from then in a Payless or Marsh or Kroger or what ever. Probably around Christmas cause that is how that shit seems to happen………….remember…………just close your eyes and breath.

            We stopped about a yard from each other. Neither of us was sure what the proper action called for in this situation. A hug, a kiss on the cheek, a handshake, or maybe just an evil stare. So we did none of the above.

I just stood there looking stupid for, what seemed like an eternity, feeling my insides hurt all over. And just when I thought my head was about to explode……

            "Hi" I said

            "Good to see you still have all of those smooth pick up lines." John replied

            I faked a pained grin "Hey baby what's you sign?"

            "Better." he said

            "Come here often?" smooth

            "Good now try "Haven't we met before?""

   "Nah" gut wrenching "No way I would forget meeting a stud like you."

   We both laughed, but both of us trying not to try to hard.

            "You look good." I said.

            "Thanks so do you." Awkward silence

            "Ok" I spoke "I am out of uncomfortable clichés and forced small talk."

            "Good" John replied

            "Why are you here?"

            "I'm buying food……"

            "No, I mean…."

"I know what you mean John" I cut in sternly "I'm just in town for the holidays to see my mom."

A few strands of hair escaped his pony tail and fell into his face. It took every thing that I had to stop me from brushing them away gently like I had so many times those years before. My eyes caught his for a second and I saw inside him again. The frailty, the hurt, all of those scars I gave him. he glanced away then back at me.

"I heard about your mom." he said "and about the accident…….I'm sorry."

"Thank you, it helps to hear." I lied

"I wanted to call or write but….." he wasn't lying

"I heard that you got married?"

he raised his left hand and wiggled his ring finger.

"Not anymore."

"How's North Carolina?"

"It's nice" he put his hand back down "Allison loves her school."

More awkward silence, I don't know how long we stood there for, maybe forever, probably only a minute or two. The other shoppers pushed their way past us with their hurried carts of food and gifts. I wanted to scream that it wasn't true. I wanted to shrink up and die again. I wanted to tell him that I still thought of him everyday. I wanted…..

"Look, I have someone waiting for me in the car Bam, but, it was good to see you again, ok?" he was the one lying now

"You too."

But surely after everything, after all that had happened and after all of these years, after all that I had lost because of this, I couldn't just let him go again. I couldn't just let him walk out again. I cleared my throat desperately.

"Maybe we could get together sometime?"

"I still live in North Carolina and I'm headed back there the day after tomorrow."

Silence. My insides turned into jelly. My breathing slowed to nothing. It was just pain all I knew was white hot pain.

"Good-bye Bam." His eyes where glassy, holding back the tears of this thing that was standing in-between us.

"Don't go yet, please."

I tried to keep the pain out of my voice but it was too much. John looked into me and saw everything.

"What do you want me to say here Bam Bam?"

"That you want to get together too…..?"

"Is that all?"

I shook my head.

"You know that's not all."

After all I was still wearing his wedding ring on a chain around my neck. But I don't think that he noticed it. Otherwise he probably wouldn't have talked to me at all.

"I'm not twenty-three anymore." he said

"Neither am I."

"The guy that you loved is gone and dead."

"No!" I said "he is standing right in front of me."

Damn I shouldn't have said that.

"You don't know me anymore." he whispered

"So let's start over. I am in no rush."

"I live 600 miles away and you are still on the road."

"So I will move, stay home."

But, even before the words came out, even before John made that face, I knew he recognized my false bravado. I couldn't just move away to him. My health was failing and I was trapped here. I have always been trapped here. Somewhere in-between my mouth and his ears my words crashed and burned.

John turned to leave then. he didn't even say goodbye……again. For the second time in my life I had to watch him walk away with out even a goodbye. I watched as he pushed his cart through the automatic doors. I watched as John, the love of my whole life, disappeared into that snowy busy parking lot with out so much as a backward glance. I just stood there. I couldn't follow anymore. I felt my heart tumble then shatter and I couldn't do anything to stop it.

Maybe in all of this I haven't learned anything at all. About people, about myself, and about life, But, I still believe!!! I still hope in things. Maybe I haven't learned anything at all. But I know….for sure…..

Life is temporary but true love is everlasting.

(Better Crunch?)