From when I was about 7 or 8 years old, I developed symptoms of OCD, but I didn't have any idea what that meant, so I didn't consider my behaviours a problem. By the time I was 12 or 13 years old, my OCD was so severe it significantly impacted my daily life and I was incapable of doing pretty much anything other than carrying out endless rituals followed by spending hours crying on the floor.Trying to fight OCD at such a young age was definitely a struggle, and it was hard for other people to understand how I was feeling, or they would justify it with "just being a teenager".
So when I was 14, on November 25, 2012 I wentcold turkey with my compulsions and this proved to be an effective recovery technique for me. I am now 16 years old.I don't think I've completed a full blown ritual since that day, which is not only satisfying but has significantly impacted my ability to focus and keep my cool.However, it's still been difficult to shake the obsessions. But I guess OCD is something you never really can move on from, but just learn to live with. Which I am doing, and is fantastic. It does definitely get tough sometimes, fighting the urge to give into it, but you learn to push through. I honestly cannot even begin to imagine how my life would be today if I was still where I in 2012. I never could pass any assessment, my friends couldn't deal with me, my family couldn't deal with me, I was basically just a walking sack of anxiety and chaos. This is nothing like me anymore.
While this element of my life is considerably better, I'm feeling so lost with everything else. I can easily say that I am no longer living a life of fear, but I am really struggling just to make it through the day. I'm just surrounded by darkness and I'm not sure which way to go. I feel so exhausted and just so sad all the time, I can't see myself making it out of high school or even through the week. I feel absolutely worthless and I feel guilty for being around. I never want to get out of bed, I've been struggling to do school work, and socialise, and now I have to start thinking about university courses and I can barely comprehend that at this point. I just can't do it anymore, I don't really want to be alive.
I don't know if this is somehow related to my OCD history, or is a seperate thing, but I don't really know where to go from here.
Congratulations on doing so well with your OCD! What you’ve accomplished is amazing, and you should be very proud of yourself. I remember feeling the same way about your age, and it’s tough. I would recommend talking to someone about it (a doctor, teacher, parent, friend, etc), even though the thought is probably not appealing to you. For me, everyone put it down to just ‘teenage angst’, when looking back I realise I was definitely clinically depressed. I’m not a professional so I don’t know what exactly is happening in your situation, and I’m not saying you’re necessarily depressed, but definitely talk to someone who might be able to get you some help. It’s okay to feel bummed every so often, but I think what you’re describing is a bit more serious. I know you don’t believe it, but you seem to be a nice, competent person who just needs someone to talk to.