I had an anger outburst about an hour ago. I am so ashamed of myself when that happens.I was mad at the newspaper, mad at my daughter, the world and then the dogs, or one in particular. She wouldn't come in when I called. She does this all the time. She waits until I either close the door or come drag her in. Then when I went to put a collar and leash on so we could go somewhere she rolled over on her back making it difficult to do. I told her to sit. She sat and then promptly rolled. I tried to force her to sit and she wouldn't. So I lost it. I screamed and yelled. If I had had a gun I would have shot her. She does this all the time, so why did I get so angry this time. I sent her to the crate and locked her up. I took her brother with me to run an errand and go to the Lakefront. I had wanted to walk both of them there to give them some exercise and me some sunshine. It has been raining nonstop.

I feel better now and more calm. But I am ashamed and disappointed in my behavior. The dog has no idea why she was left behind. She won't learn anything from that. All she learned is that I can scream and she should run and hide. I suck.I really hate myself right now. And please, don't any of you pity me me and say I shouldn't. I am not fishing for compliments. I am just stating how I feel and right now nothing will change that.

Just had another outburst. I WAS calm but now level of anxiety is raised again. I left the computer to get something to eat. I had taken my shoes off and so the "bad" dog comes over to guard them. She growled and snarled and snapped at her brother. She does that when she has my shoes or a bone. SoI yelled and screamed again and they both ran to their crates.

I hate myself. I hate what I do. I hate who I am. Yesterday, I was so happy and doing fine. I hate life.


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