So, valentine’s day came and went. In-laws sort of took over the holiday… Ogre spent the day with them. I spent day alone/with 2 year old when he was inconvienent to them. Who the hell takes his brother, nephew, and mother to look for houses, on v-day, when he is almost 40 years old? Never lived out of his home with his mommy and daddy… wondering how he’ll do 400 miles away from them. (-But way way too close to us… they were looking at houses on our block!!!) They all went out to lunch w/out baby or MIL or me… leaving me scratching at the walls to try to get away from MIL. Then the group trip looking for houses while baby napping, me showering (yay me!). Thought ogre might want to actually go out/do something, anything with me for v-day. Ummm, nope. He then took a family tour of Safeway w/all but baby and me.

I was so out of control angry by the time they got back… I never leave the house, unless dire emergency/necessity.. cigs, meds, dying children… you get the picture. I actually just got my keys and decided to do drive thru for v-night dinner. Ogre nice enough to offer to come along, car needed gas. Blasted music whole way. Was NOT in a talking mood. MIL bought EVERYthing we have been trying to avoid buying foodwise… cookies, chips, junk food, whatever 8 year old wanted. I was seething angry by then. Feeding him is such a trial (not sure if it is just him or a side item from the Asperger’s or ADHD diagnosis’.) Every night is a struggle. He is now not eating pizza if he had it at school for lunch and doesn’t do plain kraft mac n cheese, he likes the microwave some specific brand better. I have my 8 year old ordering certain meals… brand name specific. ugh. When we fix something he won’t eat, he won’t touch it. He yells, screams, violins play, ugh. He then steals whatever he wants to eat outta the kitchen. Whole bags of junk or cereal or bread or whatever. ugh.

We need help controling him (haha can’t even control myself!) and just figuring out the best method for the disrepect/lying/stealing etc. Hell, we need help as in a marriage counselor, but how the fuck am I supposed to focus on husband and marriage when I can’t focus on myself and am always worried about everything all the time?

I owe my psych money. Ogre did not pay last bill, from july last year! Psych won’t see patients that are in collections, but was nice enough to refill my xanax one more time, in the meantime. I take them sparingly… have been on em for over a year now. Up to 4mg a day. Have been hoarding them though, for when really necessary, or falling apart, or haven’t slept for days. So pretty sure I’m not at the addiction point, though do feel crappy if I go more than a day or two without any. Was on welbutrin and effexor, top dosages for over a year also… but due to loss of job and no insurance and way too expensive… I weaned myself off of both, with the help of some prozac I had left from the highest dosage of that for over a year from before. I want the welbutrin back very badly…. it helped keep my appetite down and my cig compulsion to a minimum. The effexor just kinda made me numb, a zombie, according to ogre. Don’t want to go back on it at all, getting off was such a bitch.

Sis was just diagnosed as Bipolar, of all things. Is on antipsychotics of some sort. Scary shit. I tried a small small dose of one of the older ones… knocked me to my ass for the week I tried. Like drink a quad shot starbucks and still fall asleep with your 1 year old wandering around your lifeless body on the living room floor. Fun.

Ogre works from home, has since we moved to AZ in 2005. So he thinks that I have conviently created mental disorders to fit my lazy, procrastinating ass. He was never aware(in 15 years!) of my various issues. I apparently created/hid them until after marriage. Yeah, right. Why I would need to hide something I’m making up is beyond me, lmao. He doesn’t believe in mental illness… at least nothing I have been blessed with. I need will power to get over myself. HAHA. Kill me now.

Again, just babbling for the sake of avoiding the in-laws, inside my house, here from 9am to 10pm until they finally leave the state. OMG, I so don’t want to think about the eventual landing base MIL will have when/if BIL moves here. Ugh. Will move, I swear! I figured out how to deal with monsoons and 115 degree summers I suppose I could deal with canadian snow or whatnot. hehe

-fina

^.,.^@~