I am simply horrible at letting go. I am really begining to think and or feel and or fear that I am completely incabable of letting go in any way, shape, or form. It's so hard to just "be." If I could just "be," then I would probably be okay, OCD and all. Lately, I am starting to feel so detached that I also fear I am slowly accepting the fact that I will, indeed, never reach the utopia I am seeking, the world where I can just be okay with all that is going through my head. I don't even wish for it to be completely gone anymore. If it was, I probably would not know how to live or function. But if I could just feel a little peace about it, knowing that everything is there but that it won't destroy me… any kind of peace like that, I think I would be okay.
Another issue, though, is that I am detaching myself. Of course, it is so I won't have to feel as much… that swirling vortex of anxiety in your stomach, it just doesn't stop burning, making it's way up into the bottom of your chest, the heat on your neck. The complete catastrophe that my mind is making my life turn out to be. Yet again, I am just wanting to simply "be," and it won't let me do that. I can't believe it is my mind (so, me, essentially) that is destroying myself!
I wish I could escape this mental quicksand, even for a quick minute, but I can't. I can't let myself, because my disorder is in charge of me. Don't get me wrong, some days are great. I can use the whole "I am choosing to be happy today and approach it all with the attitude that this could be the last day of my life, or the last day of one of my loved ones, or the last day of earth and all existance…" and those days, those are good days. The voice of obsession is still clear when it speaks on those days, when it pushes and prods, but I am able to reassure myself that there are more important things to be dealt with at hand. Feelings to be felt and people to love and books to read and movies to watch and rain to take a walk in and sunsets to stare at and sarcastic jokes to be made… it's all so much, isn't it? There are simple answers to everything, and we, as obsessive people, we know those simple answers, and we even believe those answers, but we are powerless to let them in, we are powerless in how they effect us.
It's a sad song, yetit can't even qualify for a ballad. And then when people try to figure you out, with the best of all intentions, you get even more confused, because they see things you may not have even considered before, and then you have to take a step back, a step back to obsess, (in a good way?), a step away from yourself to really try and see how you come across to others.
I was trying to explain this tomy husbandthe other day, about how the feelings we feel from our obsessions and compulsions are real feelings, even though the reality attached to them, the reality that creates them, is, more often than not, well, naught. Not real. Unfortunately I do not think OCD is a disorder that is easily explained, and, unfortunately, but to no surprise of my own, he said it sounded more like I was schizophrenic, believing this alternate, completely false reality that lives only in my mind. I understand this, because ina way, this is what we do. In a way. But that doesn't change the reality of the feelings for us, and it doesn't change the reality of the schizophrenic person's world they get tied up and lost within. And he doesn't believe I am schizophrenic either, I think it was just said because there were emotions running high and as we all here know, we are intense people, so when we let others into our lives, when we really let them in and tell them about all we are, that intensity leaks out and splatters over everything. I guess that is how you know someone loves you, when you are like me, because they are still there after knowing it all.
Any advice on letting go would be greatly appreciated, any advice on anything for that matter.
I really need to do a blog about trust, but I am afraid that would take a few hours at least, and I don't want to let everything seep out of mymind just yet.
"Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain." – Ralph Waldo Emerson