Feeling Guilt
Sooooo… no contact with Dad, right? I had to break that to see him at my sister’s wedding. We both behaved, didn’t talk about the “no contact” while there, were pleasant, said “I love you” to each other and focused on the good stuff. He made an effort. Wonderful. Obviously I put effort on my part as well and kept it nice, loving, and focused on my sister’s occasion. This seemed to have sent him mixed messages somehow because he has started texting me, What’sApp-ing me, trying to call me and leaving voice messages too. I’ve been trying to avoid telling him that we are still “no contact”, and that our interaction at my sister’s was for her sake, not mine. That this was an anomaly I didn’t wish to pursue further from the event. This sucks.
You know how I said I didn’t feel like self-harming, in my last blog? I genuinely haven’t, for a long while. Not since one of my close friends committed suicide, which is huge. I even tried to picture being physically hurt and made myself reminisce but I didn’t find any pleasure in it, so I was glad. I felt that meant progress. A few days ago, Dad left me a voice massage, and I, being tempted to hear it, rather than just saving it without listening, or simply erasing it, did. I listened to it today. My urge to self-harm came back, immediately after. It was a message, left at midnight, basically saying how he called me to hear my voice recording because he missed hearing me, but was disappointed to find the automatic Sprint machine message instead of my own, so he left me a message making sure I knew that he missed me, loves me and that I am “his pride”. He sounded miserable.
A couple of things went through my head. First that it was the kind of message a boyfriend leaves, not a father. It reminded me of his last text message, saying he was willing to wait to earn my trust again, kind of like he used to speak to my mom, after he’d cheated on her. That it was left at MIDNIGHT. My Dad usually goes to bed early. So, he’s been missing and thinking about me, late at night, with sadness and desperation. I thought that maybe, after I had ignored his texts and not taken his phone call, because he had stopped messaging me for a few days that he would finally let go, but no and he’s suffering. Fuuuuuuuck!!!
At least in the texts I didn’t hear his tone. They seemed like he was finally just being positive, inviting and patient rather than blackmailing or passive-aggressive, like he was being, before the wedding. They made me want to reconsider our level of communication. Like maybe open up to a text, just once a week, and give him a short reply, just to see how that went but… I should know better. That’s just my orphaned little girl, inside, wanting her Daddy back, no matter how angry or abusive he was. It’s the same dance we’ve done forever. Just because Mom got better doesn’t mean he will.
… this is to be continued, I have a visitor at home now, guys. Sorry. L8rs. Love, Alex.
Blackshire, thank you for sharing your experience with me. It's funny because I actually love my Step Dad. He's a funny, tough on the outside, soft on the inside, sarcastic New Yorker kind of guy and he makes my Mom very happy. I love my Dad too. The “Steps” can never replace him but I will have to, for my own safety, focus on the goodness of having a bonus fatherly figure who won't yell at me or destroy my morale and find comfort in the fact my Dad has 2 other daughters to celebrate him that day. I'm glad that the “no contact” brought you closer. Sorry you had to suffer through the pain of why you had to do it. It worked like that with my Mom. Having had that year of no contact brought us closer because I was able to focus on me, rather than care-taking her emotions or being enmeshed. With me out of the picture, she had to rely on her partner and herself to face her own triggers and not have me to lash out at or lean on. It did us a world of good. Now we can notice better if we are crossing inappropriate boundaries with each other. Well, I can more than her, but at least when she she asks for something of me that isn't healthy and she can't recognize why, I feel strong and worthy enough to respectfully say no and, if she's open to it, gently explain why. What a crazy process! I hope my father learns his lesson, in regards to earning a relationship with me, through respect and self-reflection, (I have been warning him it would end like this if he didn't change, ever since I was a whole lot younger) but, sadly, I'm not holding my breath. I feel like it was a miracle my Mom came around the way she did. I had to prepare myself for both my parents to never change. I've grieved the parents I was prepared to never have. My dad's so good with words too. He can fool anyone into his charm. He'll believe he's doing the right thing, and has a 1950's-minded wife who encourages his narcissistic narrative, as do his parents, so I can only do so much. We'll see how this ends. I would like to have him back in my life, long term but I'm not ready yet to open that door and he hasn't done anything to show me I should, just yet. I'm just scared I'll have to keep him far from me for way longer than I ever planned. 🙁