Help.

I dont want to be like this anymore. I want to be better. I want to be like other people.

I feel alone nearly all the time. There is no-one who i truly let in, that im totally vunrable with. Even my boyfriend alex who i share things with that i have shared with anyone. But at times i keep things from him,.. in my eyes to protect him. I'm constantly protecting everyone. I shut them out so they dont get hurt by the way I am. Even my dad. I desperatly need him, I need him to know what I've been through at uni. That i tried to kill myself again in November 2010 and was taken to hospital, that I'm back on AD's and thats I'm struggling. I'm really struggling.

I cant admit to anyone how hard I'm finding being at uni, well just being everyday at all right now. I dont feel i have any real friends, here or at home. I dont connect with anyone properly; no-one gets me. I feel like im always on the outside. A second thought. An add on.

I feel like I'm not as good as everyone else, they are all more intelligent, they do more things, have tried more, done more, can just do more. I feel worthless, stupid, ugly and friendless. Out of place.

The one person who makes me feel safe and like i belong is alex, my bf. But he's going away to america for 3months on June 6th this year. I'm going to be with out him. And im so scared. i dont want to be totally on my own. I've had this on my mind for awhile and its been making weird around him, i know im pushing him away so it dosnt hurt me so much to be with out him. I worry when he comes back he'll realise he doesn;t want me and that i'm too much hard work, that i am mentally ill and its never going to be easy. I'm scared he'll realise he could have it easier with out me. Then his mum would be happy; I'm not exsactly the type of girl she'd choose. & she doesnt even know about my depression.

I dont want to be at uni to get a degree, i did it to escape from home, have some freedom and becasue it was expected of me. Not becasue its what i really want. I know what i want but i cant have it. I want a family of my own; i know its obvious why; i want someone to need me always, and to love me forever. Socially its not acceptable for me to have a child. and i'd lose alex if i did. Plus i know in my heart i'm not well enough, but a part of me thinks, maybe its what i need to make me better? its what ive always wanted, my whole life to be a mother. To have a reason, be worthy and have something to be proud of.

I have a blood test tomorrow at 9.30 am to check for anemia and my thyroid levels. Ialso have my last exam at 2pm. Its now 2.14am. I'm so tierd all the time, i keep getting dizzy and almost fainting. i feel sick and get really hot. I also get awful headaches. Plus my bodie is bruising like peach ever without bumping or hitting into things, just the pressure of stratching my skin is casuing it. I cant sleep at night, i wake up every few hours, i have vivid dreams when i do sleep and when i wake from them i'm sweaty. Its horrible way of being everyday.

Right now, everything is TOO MUCH. i want to cut.

xox

1 Comment
  1. Profile photo of ancientgeekcrone
    ancientgeekcrone 5 years ago

    You need to find the strength within yourself, you can get some help by going to the guidance department or psychology department of your school. They should be able to get you the help you need.

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