I dont want to be like this anymore. I want to be better. I want to be like other people.
I feel alone nearly all the time. There is no-one who i truly let in, that im totally vunrable with. Even my boyfriend alex who i share things with that i have shared with anyone. But at times i keep things from him,.. in my eyes to protect him. I'm constantly protecting everyone. I shut them out so they dont get hurt by the way I am. Even my dad. I desperatly need him, I need him to know what I've been through at uni. That i tried to kill myself again in November 2010 and was taken to hospital, that I'm back on AD's and thats I'm struggling. I'm really struggling.
I cant admit to anyone how hard I'm finding being at uni, well just being everyday at all right now. I dont feel i have any real friends, here or at home. I dont connect with anyone properly; no-one gets me. I feel like im always on the outside. A second thought. An add on.
I feel like I'm not as good as everyone else, they are all more intelligent, they do more things, have tried more, done more, can just do more. I feel worthless, stupid, ugly and friendless. Out of place.
The one person who makes me feel safe and like i belong is alex, my bf. But he's going away to america for 3months on June 6th this year. I'm going to be with out him. And im so scared. i dont want to be totally on my own. I've had this on my mind for awhile and its been making weird around him, i know im pushing him away so it dosnt hurt me so much to be with out him. I worry when he comes back he'll realise he doesn;t want me and that i'm too much hard work, that i am mentally ill and its never going to be easy. I'm scared he'll realise he could have it easier with out me. Then his mum would be happy; I'm not exsactly the type of girl she'd choose. & she doesnt even know about my depression.
I dont want to be at uni to get a degree, i did it to escape from home, have some freedom and becasue it was expected of me. Not becasue its what i really want. I know what i want but i cant have it. I want a family of my own; i know its obvious why; i want someone to need me always, and to love me forever. Socially its not acceptable for me to have a child. and i'd lose alex if i did. Plus i know in my heart i'm not well enough, but a part of me thinks, maybe its what i need to make me better? its what ive always wanted, my whole life to be a mother. To have a reason, be worthy and have something to be proud of.
I have a blood test tomorrow at 9.30 am to check for anemia and my thyroid levels. Ialso have my last exam at 2pm. Its now 2.14am. I'm so tierd all the time, i keep getting dizzy and almost fainting. i feel sick and get really hot. I also get awful headaches. Plus my bodie is bruising like peach ever without bumping or hitting into things, just the pressure of stratching my skin is casuing it. I cant sleep at night, i wake up every few hours, i have vivid dreams when i do sleep and when i wake from them i'm sweaty. Its horrible way of being everyday.
Right now, everything is TOO MUCH. i want to cut.