I tried…

I have woken up feeling depressed and panicky for 3 days in a row.  It is hard to shake the depressed feelings when you start your first moments of the day with them.  I’m even depressed when I sleep…

When I’m depressed, I cancel all my plans and stay in bed.  Today, I had two things planned — going to the rock climbing gym at 1 and going out with some other single ladies at 8 for dinner and dancing.  I canceled my 1:00 plans and went back to bed.  I felt guilty about it but I just couldn’t go out, much less climb up high walls (which I can get anxious about)!  I got up at 4 pm and decided that I should do some physical activity so I took my dog on a walk and did an hour of yoga.  I haven’t done my yoga in weeks and it was good for me.  I felt better.

I went out with the single ladies (there was about 10 of us), none of which I know terribly well.  They’re acquaintances, not friends.  Why do I always get stuck sitting next to the one who just wants to bitch?  She takes me out of the main, lively discussion to focus on her problems.  I had an okay time at dinner.  Fortunately the bitching woman didn’t show up until later.   I had told myself earlier that I wouldn’t go dancing afterwards but to my surprise I did go.  I only stayed for a few songs then snuck out.  I knew no one would miss me. 

And they didn’t.

I’m trying to tell myself not to set unrealistic goals.  I shouldn’t go out and expect to have a fabulous time and find a new best friend.  Instead, I should realize that going out while depressed is a feat in itself.  I’m working on my social skills.  Everytime I go out it gets a little easier to socialize, even when I’m feeling depressed.  So I gained some ground today.  It wasn’t for nothing.

It was disappointing to come home to no calls, no emails… seriously if I died no one would notice for a couple of days.  The only reason they would find my body in a reasonable amount of time is because my boss would call the police or something.  I’m in management so if you don’t show up things don’t get done and people notice.  At work people notice… I have so much responsibility.  It can be too much.  I get so stressed and it contributes to my anxiety and depression.  However, the job is mentally challenging.  If I was in anything less challenging, I would get depressed from boredom.  It seems like I can’t win, but I’m probably looking at it wrong.

Tomorrow, I have nothing planned.  Hopefully I’ll find the strength to not spend most of the day in bed.

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