I think I've hit my rock bottom. I've done questionable things in my lifetime but I've always thought of myself as a good person inside. I don't think that anymore right now, and that's what hurts so bad. I've stolen from the one person who loves and cares for me unconditionally, stolen things from her that she's collected her whole lifetime. I want to vomit just thinking about it. I can't undo it. I can't make it right. I'm a horrible person because of it and I have to live with that, and I can't. I've finally realized I'm choosing this fucking substance over my family. Over a mother's love. I'm choosing this fucking shit over the most important person in my life. I'm willing to give up that relationship for it. I can't even imagine my life without my mother. She means more to me than life itself, and I've completely shit on our relationship, I've risked completely losing her for this fucking bullshit. I HATE that I let it come to this. I'm so fucked. I don't think she'll ever forgive me and I can't ever forgive myself, I just want to fucking die. But that's not even an option, it's just a one way ticket to hell on the express. All I can do is try to make things right. So as horrible of a place that I am, and as horrible of a person I am, I've finally realized that I'm choosing this shit over not only my own life, but my family's, and I can't keep living with that. I love my mom so much, I have to make this right, I have to finally choose my relationship with her over this fucking nasty shit. I think I've finally reached a little bit of clarity. I just absolutely HATE that it took me reserving a place in hell to get there. God speed everybody. Here's to my first step forward to becoming a good person again. That's all I want in life.
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Firstly I would recommend you that you inform all your loved ones that you are facing this addiction and you need their support and say sorry to anyone you hurt or stole from , thats where healing begins. Admit yourself to a rehablitation centre as a symbol of your resolve to get rid of this demon. In your free time read motiuvational books , engage in other personal activities and write down what kind of person you want to be . Then take one step at a time towards the light , making yourself closer to the one you want to be . When withdrawal symptoms emerge just think of your family and how much they love you . Live strong and bold , forgive yourself and others. Build yourself from the very beginning and remember you have a purpose in life , you deserve more from life and have courage and hope , its never too late . Best wishes from me mate I hope you succeed :).Remember as humans we sometimes make mistake , we all are basically good , just the bad feeling yoiu are having is because of your goodness inside telling you what is wrong , your concience is alive showing you still are a great person inside.
"A mistake is never acceptable , seldom excusable but always forgivable."
Good luck to you. As I've never stolen from family, I understand the insatiable need for drugs. The sickness is the fear that builds and then we do what we do. Usually not proud things. Hang in there and beat yourself up over things you can't change. Put the anger to bed and make the changes you need to make, any way you need to make them.
Dear Sarah:
We do some very awful stuff when in our addiction. It's unfortunate but I have to remember the stupid, shady, scandalous things I did so I won't repeat them. I never thought I would steal money from my mother's purse, but I did. Ultimately that act does not make us BAD people. How we define ourselves is based on how we NOW handle our addiction and are we willing to do whatever is necessary to not repaeat this behavior. Now that we know what we are capable of, the most important thing is to not repeat these behaviors. If we do we have to ask ourselves, How much do we really love our mothers?
"I have to make this right", is a fanastic way to look at situations like this. I understand Karthik's suggestion but don't be in a big hurry to break someone's heart by coming completely clean at this moment. Honesty is most important and if asked be completely honest but don't start offering information until you have your feet firmly on recovery ground. Every addict is capable of recovery. I am a living example of that.
Work on you and what you have to do to stay clean TODAY. The next few days can be a painful beginning but don't let the addict in your head trick you into believing they are more difficult then they really are. You're OK and you're right where you are supposed to be. Just don't pick up, NO matter what. I am a strong proponent of AA and NA, they saved my life, but find what works for you to get through these days. This can be the beginning of such wonderful things. Peace of mind and contentment included.
God Bless.
Truly,
Alan
This my first time on this we site. It finally hit me what I haveLost, missed, loved. Like I said this my first time here and my first time saying I am a drug addict. Seems like you are getting support. I know your mom is upset but she still loves. If you died you wouldn't be able to mend her broken heart. Give her and you sometime. Focus on yourself right now.