I'm at my friend's right now and I don't know anymore how long I will be here. I arrived yesterday afternoon, as planned. The plan was to stay until the day before I started school again, since once I start school it will be hard for us to hang out….. Well, that has changed… Today my mother came over to my friend's house with my sister. For one, my mother coming over is highly unusual because my friend lives like an hour away from where we are and my mother is too lazy to do anything. Plus she brought my sister….. Again, highly unusual. Well, my aunt (the one with the lung cancer) passed away last night. So we all had a crying fest for 10 or so minutes. Normally, I would just go home if something happened like this but I decided to stay. We don't know any of the funeral details yet and we probably won't know till like the middle of the week. I've decided as soon as I know, I'll go home. It's just a little easier dealing with everything here. At home, it's silent and boring and depressing more than likely. It will have me thinkiing about it none stop if I went home. But here, it's a little hectic and loud and busy. Right now, that's just what I feel like I need till I can deal with everything properly.
Me and my aunt were close. And I know if I try and deal with it all at once, right now, it will just end badly and I don't really want that to happen…. So, for now, I'm just trying not to think about until everything settles down a little and I can deal with it properly and saftely. I really don't want another cutting incident and I know that my aunt won't want a cutting incident either so…. yeah… I just….. I wish I could talk to her one last time. Or perhaps see her. The last time I talked to her was on the phone and that was only for like minutes…. I just wish…. I wish I could have told her I loved her a little harder and told her that she means the world to me…. Because she does. She will always mean the world to me. She was always there for me when I needed her the most and got me through everything. I just wish I could hug her one last time and say that I love her so much… one last time.
Though, I know that one time, it will not be enough. I will continue to want to hug her and say I love her. I just…. I just…. I don't know…… I feel like I can feel her here with me. Like she's watching over me as I cry about her. I know she's in a better place though I still wish that she was here with me…. I just…. I need to…. I don't know….