I'm just so tired. I don't even want to try anymore. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm a disappointment to everyone. I'm almost 30 and I have nothing to show for it. I'm homeless. I have nowhere to go. No one to help me. And I'm bringing everyone else down with me.
My father hates me. My mother is just as lost as I. My fiance loves me dearly but if I bring him into this life, it'll just suck him down as well. I can't do that to him. I care too much.
I wonder if it would be best for both of us to call things off. I wonder if it would be best for me to just not wake up. People say that it's not the answer but what if it is?
I mean, I wouldn't have to be reminded everyday of the failure I am. I wouldn't have to be reminded of the heartache I bring to everyone around me. My brothers could go about life without worrying about me. My mother could get the life she wants without me tagging along and ruining things. My father could focus on the children he cares about rather than me. My friends wouldn't have to worry about if I'm going to call them to ask for something. And Will could get his life together without worrying about whether I'll be able to provide for him over here. After all, he has resources where he's at that he wouldn't have here.
I'm just so tired. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I don't want to face another day of bullshit and anger and hate and loneliness and sadness and self-loathing. I want to be better but that's not going to happen. Ever.
I just want to sleep.