I am angry and moody and did not get much sleep last night. >:-(
Well, the not sleeping art was good because Tom and I had a great long talk….
But today is the second day my hips are hurting EXCRUCIATINGLY, and I chose t mowe our nearly ONE F****** ACRE LAWN with a push mower… So now I am in SOOOOOOO MMMUUUUCCCHHHH PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, of course, I asked Tom if he would give me tomorrow's meds today and I would go without tomorrow. He said no (in many more words), and told me it would just be the same thing over again tomorrow! 🙁
I told him that I REALY was serious about going without tomorrow so I could get at least somerelief from this absolutely DEBILITATING hip and lower back pain now exasturbated by the mowing…. He got so upset he said, "WHY DON'T I JUST GIVE YOU THE BOTTLE AND YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU DAMN WANT! I'M LEAVING!!" And he literally threw my pill bottle over by me.
I was already SOOOOO angry and upset. I had TRIED to explain that this time it was NOT a "high" or "addict" thing, but real, serious pain!! (Honestly- And I can be honest on here because it's my own *dang blog…! 😉 I would have been fine mentally and physically without ANY more pain meds tonight *IF IT WEREN'T FOR THIS #*$@?!#€¥®â„…∆π÷#$@&! PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO….. the bottle being thrown at me and all…. And being mad as hell already and telling Tom he was acting like a Jerk (only to be called one right back…) I did what I know I'll regret later… Grabbed four pills when he left the room and set the bottle right back where it had been thrown.
Dang right I'm gonna do what it takes to get out of this much @#$%&+# pain!! >:-P
……But…. Just like I knew would happen…. I am already starting to regret that choice. :'-
I'm in my two older boy's room on the bunk bed, in a "fortress" of blankets and whatnot, feeling the 'huge' (lol) dose of morphine start to hit me and numb my aching hips, back, and brain.
Usually this feeling would make me happy. And BELIEVE me, I HATE being in pain- But somehow all I can feel is guilt. :'(
Guilt and depression.
And, come to think of it, pretty stupid as well :-/
Is this really me being such a @#$% head? Or has the addiction take over again and fooled me into thinking this is who I really am??
I am so confused now! 😛
Started off angry. Now just confused and a little tired….
:'-/
I am not judging or anything, and this is just my own personal experience, but it sounds like that is just the addiction talking. I have reasoned with myself, come up with the lamest excuses, and even lied to myself to trick myself into believing that getting high would be okay, or even necessary. It's not you, and it's not something that you can control. It's literally your addiction taking over. I know how hard it is to fight it, especially when you are so convinced that you're not trying to get fucked up, just trying to stop the pain (which I am not doubting at all, that probably makes your recovery ten times more difficult) but coming from a place where I had relapsed doing the same thing, just taking extra medication can lead you down a slippery slope. I know it's easier said than done and it might sound like I'm just regurgitating stupid, generic solutions.. But if you are an addict you should probably be looking for other ways to help relieve your pain. Don't let physical pain detriment your sobriety. It sucks, but would you rather take OTC meds and be in pain or relapse and lose your life/go to jail? The feelings of guilt are awful. I still feel guilty to this day and I have been clean from heroin and opiates for over a year. It's a long, shitty, tough road, but it gets easier.