This is a letter I have wrote for my Psychiatric nurse to discuss tomorro. It has taken days to get right what i really want to say.
Please, does anyone else feel just like this?
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Life feels stupid, pathetic and pointless. I feel like i really cant go on the way i am, but i dont see a way out of it. everythings is beyond bleak.
I keep getting told to control myself, but i can’t, I know it sounds stupid, but it’s the truth. If i could control this then i wouldn’t be in the situations I am in now. I don’t choose to do the things i do, they just kinda happen and that’s the only way i can deascribe it.
I honestly don’t know why i am like this, I don’t know why these feelings are taking over my life every single day and night. I really am fighing this, I have a bit more control than I used to do, but it’s still there, all the time.
I can’t stop harming myself in various ways, when it happens it is like I cease to think and somehting takes over and all i am left with is a memory of what happened, but for some reason the memory doesn’t feel like mine. When the thing takes over i don’t know why what happens, happens and it really upsets and confuses me.
I feel like I have had this in me since i was 13/14 and I first self harmed at 14, by the time i was 17 i was taking a whole packet of paracetamols and going off to college on a morning. for the past year or more it has been a constant, strong and dominant feeling. It’s the reason i have lost so many jobs in my life, never connected with anyone, never settled at anything for more than 6 months and got myself in debt.
I constantly have dreams that I am mental, suicidal, killing myself or being killed and when I am not dreaming these things they are playing on my mind. I guess when I seem to loose control these feelings and thoughts come out and take over.
More than anything not, I just want to give my life up. I can’t live and be like this anymore. I don’t think people realise how dreadful it really is. I dont appear to be getting better, only worse. In the past month I have started to make myself sick when i do finally manage to eat, I have taken and enjoyed lots of drugs, including crack and I have done this for the sense of escape this brings from the black cloud that seems to be upon me everyday. I have also taken lots of paracetamols and not sought mecical help.
I feel like no one can help me and I can’t help myself. my anti depressants don’t seem to be scratching at the surface of this and I have changed them so many times, had my doses upped and everything. Still nothing.
I feel like I am damned for no apparent reason and there is nothing I can do about it.
I keep getting told to wait and that it will pass, but I don’t have the time. I am already on the edge and have been for so long. It’s too much to cope with now. Hours pass like centuries and I have to live with this constantly. People should stop telling me to conrol myself and wait because it is getting very tedious now, people don’t seem to understand how this really feels. lucky for them.
I really can’t take this anymore. I can’t look after myself properly, I barely eat or sleep, I think about death constantly, I make myself sick and i try to cut and cry it all out of me.
Honestly, I am a mess inside.
Dear Sciencegirl,
I can relate to so many things you mentioned. You are on the right path as you are seeking for change. You are a step ahead of everyone, you are so strong as you identified ” it is like I cease to think and somehting takes over and all i am left with is a memory of what happened, but for some reason the memory doesn’t feel like mine”. This means a lot! You can name that “anxiety” (let`s say Emma). And when Emma is getting crazy and you feel it – hold on talk to Emma strongly believe that you are in control not Emma. Practice this a few times, you will be surprised how much you can do to improve it.
Try not to stress yourself even more by finding the reason why, that`s hard work – if it would have been so easy you would have know by now. So many of us are facing with this issue and we get stuck in getting the answers, when we are not even ready to hear the truth. All your thoughts, feelings, memories etc, are so strongly linked and connected in our subconscious mind and we have to be in a certain mindset to accept and to see those things. While we are in pain, frustration, stress, feeling overwhelmed, panic and disparate for this to stop, ashamed and angry after you harm yourself and so on how can we understand what`s the reason behind when actually, realistically, are so many reasons.
Please try to focus on bringing some “pink/light/joy” in your life. Write own 3 positive things about you, 3 things that you are very good at, 5 things you enjoy doing – just find yourself in doing positive things for your. Just you – nothing and nobody else matter. The power is in your thought – your brain can do magic. Just try.
I believe in you, and it will be great if you start step by step by believing more in yourself. Try to make some changes in your life, change the way you are brushing your teeth (you will be shocked how the brain works), eat with the other hand – this way you will be surprised to see how your mindset will change. Listen to a different type of music, do good things – aim to make someone to smile or to do something kind – it will help you so so so much to feel better.
I could write and share my experience and knowledge forever. This is how I heal myself – find little thinks that can be changed and be proud of the progress you make. As small or as little that progress is – just say WELL DONE!
All the best,
Annelisse xx
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