I've decided to finally get help. I've suffered from depression for several years now, and I can't remember when it started. Posibly when I was nine and in fourth grade. My teacher was abusive and I can remember wishing I would die in my sleep so I wouldn't have to face him the next day. If I knew about suicide back then, I doubt I'd be here today. Maybe it was when I was fifteen and my best friend of the time commited suicide. That was when I started hurting myself (mainly scratching using a folded piece of paper).

My depression has gotten worse lately. A few weeks ago I suffered a minor psychotic break where I honestly believed I had secretly died and was existing in hell. It was after a fight with my dad and the next day (the day of the break) he left for a walk with my sister and his girlfriend. I was already upset, but to spend all day in a quiet house with no contact with anyone really got to me. I felt like I had been abandoned, and that was when the thought of that being my personal Hell entered my head. The longer I went without hearing from my family, the worse the feeling got until I started to doubt reality. When I came out of it, which only happened after I saw my dad and could accept that I wasn't left alone, I felt more scared than ever.

I've gone back to self-harming as my only outlet. Scratching, not cutting, and pulling at my hair. I'm very tempted to buy razors, but I know if I do then I won't stop. I have a reaccuring fantasy where I cut my wrists in front of my dad, telling him that if he wants me to pay him back for all he's done for me, he can take it in my blood. I'm not interested in dieing, but I'm scared that I'm going in that direction. I do honestly believe that my family would be happier if I weren't around. I also know that if I died, it would take days for my dad to realize it. He only speaks to me if he has a complaint.

I've been a downward spiral ever since my mom died in 2010. It was sudden and there was nothing we could do. No one helped me with my grief. My sister had shoulders to cry on (mainly mine) and I was there to help my dad when he was too weak. However, whenever I asked for help, no one was there for me. Whenever I told dad I missed mom, that I was grieving, he always said, "That's how we all feel. We all miss her." It made me feel like my pain wasn't important. I've tried talking to dad about that, but all I got out of him was, "I guess I wasn't strong enough back then to handle you and myself." That's not what I wanted. I want an honest apology from him, and acknowledgement that I was in pain and should have been cared for. I'm not young, but I'm tired of being alone. I can't talk to my sister because the conversation always goes one of two ways: either the whole fight or problem was my fault and she tells me to shut up, or she's not interested in hearing my problem and walks away. I don't even feel like I can talk to my friends (whom I've only gone to with problems maybe three times in the past two years, so it's not like I'm always complaining about something).

I really just need someplace where I can unload and not feel like a burden.

2 Comments
  1. Kimberblue 11 years ago

    Im not in a good place myself right now so I cant offer much in the form of advise. What I can tell you is getting help is the right choice. Therepy, medication..different things work for different people. This is a good site for help. I have made friends that are going through the same things. Good luck friend. Im here if you ever just want to talk ot vent… Kimber

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  2. Steffstar 11 years ago

    @Kimberblue: Unfortunetly, what I know about my area is that I'm in a grey zone. I'm "too rich" to get free therapy because they go on household income, and living with my dad means I'm making too much even though I'm not making anything. And I can't afford any paid therapy. A friend suggested I try to see if my college has free therapy and we're working together on a helping me spiritually. Once I get insurance, I've got therapy on my list of things I need to do.

    @Will_B: I mainly write fantasy novels. My first manuscript is a retelling of Greek myths set in space. It's just a schoosh over half edited. When it's fully edited, I plan on sending it in to some publishers I met at a convention. If that doesn't work, I will self-publish. I just want to get it out there. If you're worried about publishers, try self-publishing. I think you have to pay for paper books, and e-books are free to produce.

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