Today was really hard. First work was stressful as could be, and dragged on and on and on (okay I only worked 9 hours plus a lunch but still). The hardest part for me is still my grief and confusion with my ex. I don't know if I should cut her off because she seems to be drawing closer but I also realize that I will never have back that woman I cared so dearly for.

She kind of didn't talk to me much until late in the day, then we talked on Skype, and she looked just as beautiful as I had always remembered her. But I also see the flaws…she told me she had a date tonight, but she didn't really want to go, she'd rather stay home with me. She had just gone and stayed a weekend with another guy and then this is someone else. What's gotten into her? She says she doesn't even enjoy the dates or want a relationship, but still she goes.

How could I move on while she is still in my heart? It hurts everytime I see her go out, but I know that she hasn't really moved on entirely because whenever she feels sad, whenever she feels week or shy or scared, she always comes back to me. But she'd never let me be the same way, I have to be strong and handle it all.

So rather than wallowing I accept this much…that I will likely never have her back and even if I do, it would never be the same. I would have to somehow get her to respect me again and value me enough to realize what I'm worth. (And yes, I'm depressed, but I also know that I can provide A LOT to a woman in a relationship)

Here are the things I feel that I'd need in a relationship:

1. Love, affection, care

2. An open mind

3. A calm mind (I hate arguing)

4. An adventurous side

5. A high sex drive

In theory these thing shouldn't be that much to ask for right? I know one day I could find a woman who cares about me, doesn't yell or want to fight everyone, has genuine interest in me and an interest in life. But at the same time this pain, knowing that I would have to possibly go through that again, how could I see past that? And how could I ever move on when my heart belongs to my ex?

I just wish I could go back…I want the old her back so bad. Hopefully I can sort some of this out in therapy tommorow.

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    Gee, I wish I had someone who loved me the way you describe. But i am very old. If people realized the old still need touched or cherished, it doesn't get acknowledged in society very much.

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  2. Andie372 11 years ago

    I agree with forty four, get this woman out of your life. She's using you for her comfort and giving nothing on return. A clean break would be best, then you could grieve for your loss, and with time and good care for yourself, you would be better.

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