For the first time, ever I believe, I'm going to try to start the year off without opiates. I feel like I've been holding my breath the last decade and a half. I'm finally starting to gasp for air and try to breath again. I dont want to edit what I want to say here. What I have to say somewhere. An addicts life is so full of secrets. I have so many and I keep them so incredibly close no one knows anything. I have struggled and suffered and schemed my way through life and no one in my world is the wiser. Makes me feel almost sociopathic. I'm such a skilled liar that my family's favorite joke is what a terrible liar I am. I'm that believable. Makes me feel like I dont know what I'm capable of and makes me afraid that If I dont do something immediately then I will do more things I never thought was in my character to do.

 

Because of the way I look and the upbringing I had, people always make sweeping generalizations about me. I dont look like someone who would sell her body for drugs, or steal, or snort most of her paycheck up her nose, or habitually has at risk sex with strangers, or who is in financial ruin. Because they see me a certain way, it makes it incredibly easy to pretend. I tried to do chemical detox a few months ago, and all of the other patients kept asking me if I worked there. That didnt last long though. Their drugs made me feel worse than the ones I wasnt supposed to do so I burned that bridge just like so many others.

 

Right now all I know is this: I cannot continue on like I have been. Something will eventually give, it's not possible to have this many balls in the air and never drop one. I will eventually get caught or get myself into a situation I cant fix or hide from.

 

I have possibly done irreversible things to my body and my brain, and it's been years since I'vegone more than a few days without usingso I'm afraid of who I'll be without it. That's part of what keeps me using I think. Fear of who I really am underneath all this self hatred and arrogance. I'm just hoping I have more strength and mental stability than I realize. My self hatred keeps me warm at night. It's the only thing I have that is solely mine and it's almost hard to let go of. I have to find a way though. I HAVE to.

 

I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to.

 

It's either that, or self destruction.

2 Comments
  1. InkedMommy 9 years ago

    I was in your position 2 weeks ago. 

    I dont know how you feel about the suboxone program. 

    But that has literally saved my life.

    I was doing 90-150 mg of Roxys a day, easily.

    Currently 13 days clean.. Doing the program.

    & I couldnt be happier. 

    Good luck, stay strong & tell your self you can do it.

    You have lived life sober before!!

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  2. Gemini85 9 years ago

    Omg tell me about it. I have lied my way through these years. I have dark secrets. Have spend thousands. My family would disown me if they found out the shit I did. I know how u feel. How is the sober life? I don't remember how it is feeling sober. It's painful and emotional. 2 weeks clean. I cry a lot. I've pushed my friends away, I'm anti social. Trying to find myself. Trying to love me and my flaws. It's hard. Only a person that has been there can truly understand. I love to see that I'm not alone. I feel so alone. Afraid of sharing my story. It's shameful.  

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