I Dont Know……………..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yupp, im tired again.. I Think its bc I stay up so late and then Sleep super late, and that doesnt do good for me or my Mums mood.! I have been sorta miserable Today, just feeling ehh really.. I was tired and down, I dont know why. I mean I do, bc of how I Live my Life, but id why I just got in that mood. I was supposed to go to the Carnival w/ my Friend Erika and I was Looking forward to it, bc We also go to the Flea Market, but I ended up telling Her I Think its supposed to Rain 2Night, can We go 2morrow, but its supposed to actually storm 2morrow. I dont know why I didnt want to go. But I guess its bc sometimes, when Im Feeling extra anxious & I go out, sometimes I See things from the corner of my eye and they aren't there, or I See a garbage can or something up ahead and Think its a person when it's not. Ppl have told me that its normal, but I Think since I have anxiety and am terrified of going crazy, I am on very high alert and tricking myself into it happening.. If that makes sense. Does that happen to anyoe else???? It just freaks me out even though I know anxiety plays tricks on ur mind = /, doesnt really make me feel better, just more anxious and more depressed.!

& then there is my boyfriend, He is a good, sweet guy. He went out & bought a web cam Today bc I asked Him too. I Think He would really do anything for me, but there is like sparks kind of attraction. But I dont want to break up w/ Him, A. Bc I dont want to hurt Him. B. Bc I'm not sure its the right thing to do bc we both Want the same things in the Future. So its really got me confused and really getting to me. Like we really dont even See each other & its bc of me! I dont ever really want to See him & I dont know why!!!!!!!!! Ugh I am just so stressed & its just so dumb I cant make a damn decision!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & Have no one to really talk to!!!!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

3 Comments
  1. Profile photo of Crazyhaze204
    Crazyhaze204 5 years ago

    U can vent to me. I use to feel that way about my bf before I knew I had anxiety. I use to tell him I didn\'t think I loved him anymore and everything.

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  2. Profile photo of PittsburghGirl
    PittsburghGirl 5 years ago

    You Think it was all bc of the anxiety?? I feel like it could be the anxiety that makes me not want him, but then when I really think about it, its just not there.. But I cant make the decision to really stick with that, and maybe bc Im lonely, idk…. = /!

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  3. Profile photo of PittsburghGirl
    PittsburghGirl 5 years ago

    But ThankYou = )!

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I don't know what to do…i don't know what Im going to tell people, ok yes i know what im going to tell people but i don't know how im going to tell them.  Confronting people about an unplanned pregancny, especially when you have so many doubts about the unborn child's father is hard enough at the best of times but its double hard with OCD and asperger's when you don;'t quite know how to prioritise and don't quite know how to confront ppl about the smallest of things let alone something like this.  i have a lot to think about and a lot to plan, plus i am exhausted and have the intrusive thoughts that were always there that make it even harder and i still have to complete my OCD rituals (those which i can't differentiate between an necessity of day to day life. 

I have ample things to worry about, the fact i don't know whether i am in love with my partner, don 't know whether i can actually atnd to live with him, i don't know where im going to live as im in a house share now, i don't know anything but at the moment my biggest fear is the confrontation, telling my father that im having a kid, my brother and the rest of my family.  Im  26 years old, not a child but they ve always treated me like an irresponsible child and waited for me to mess up and expected me to make the worst possible choices in life and then i do.  I ve always been see as the irresponsible one and ppl always expect the worse even tought i work so hard to get it right…i never do. 

As i have said  before this pregnancy was not exactly planned but have had health scares and questions about my fertility so it felt like fate.  I felt as soon as our "accident" had happened that i might be pregnant this month because of timing… I know full well, that me and my partner are far from the ideal situation to have a child and thought about taking the morning after pill…but couldn't bring myself to do it incase it was meant to be and my only chance. And here it is..im pregnant…so it kind of feels like fate…but im so worried.

i don't know how i am going to tell my father or brother for obvious reasons i don't k now what to do but the main thing that is blocking me…is at the grand old age of 26, i can't stand the thought of ppl knowing i ve had sex….the embarrasment is so crippling that i can't function normally, csan't make the right decisions because i can't get past this huge obsticle……

 

2 Comments
  1. Profile photo of ancientgeekcrone
    ancientgeekcrone 6 years ago

    You have some serious issues, including the one of you being able to care for a child; especially in the throes of an ocd episode.  You have another issue, you mentioned that the baby's father tends to be very controlling.  I do not know if that would lead to cicumstances in which you and the child would thrive; even if there  were no issues of ocd and Asperger's.  It also sound that with or without a spouse; you would need financial aid.  This would probably be easier to secure withot a spouse. Finally, there is the possibility of an emotionally disabled mother raising an emotionally disabled daughter.  It really doesn't  sound very promising,\"\" 

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  2. Profile photo of DaRkAnGeL_2
    DaRkAnGeL_2 6 years ago

    Not very encouraging but thanks 🙁

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