My mind is a war zone of thoughts.  From the ones that scream obscentites at my mistakes to the ones that quietly throb, 'you're stupid' from the time I wake up until the time I finally pass out.

No single place is safe lately.  Not even in my dreams am I safe from myself… which I know, dreams aren't supposed to be safe, but at least for a little while there I was so exhausted from life that they didn't bother me.

Now I wake up once or twice a night.  I find myself coping with everything that I can't stamp down.  I live a life outside the home, but I'm still stuck inside my head.  Worrying about someone, worrying about family, worrying about things I cannot control.

I think about the risks I could and should take… and when I put them out there… when they jump off the tip of my tongue and lie before people as true intentions… they are shot down before they even have a chance to live out. 

The risks I do take are stupid. 

A few weeks ago a guy from work asked me out and I readily agreed… he got me drunk and although I made the right choice to not go back to his hotel with him… I made the wrong choice of driving myself home instead of calling for a ride.  Of course I made it, but now I add it to my list of stupid things I've done.  I did what I preached I would never do… I did what I get so upset about my dad doing on Friday nights.  And I'm even after the fact… those things that I tell people not to do….. Not to take stupid risks, not to endanger others..> I'm doing.  I drive and talk on my cell phone just to have ten minutes or so with the married guy from Ohio.

I told him on Friday I was at the point where I would go to Ohio to meet him, and damn the consequences.  I even told him that I wanted his friendship… as real as it can be, a face to face just to see if I feel what I think I feel with all the time we talk on the phone.

He told me under no circumstances am I to go there to see him.  That I can sight see and do what I will, but he won't have anything to do with me.  At first it was for my own good… he doesn't want me heartbroken… then it was for his own good… seeing me would do him in because he wants me.  And then it was for his wifes.  She knows he wants me so it would fuck things up at home.  So much for us being friends no matter what.

So I'm sitting here wondering how to cope with tomorrow.  He will call on my lunch.  As per usual.  And this week… particularly tomorrow… I won't be answering.

If all I am is just someone to jerk off to…  that wouldn't hurt nearly as much as what he is proposing.  To talk and think that I have this confidant that I can never meet… never sit across from… never look into his eyes… never know… breaks my heart.  How can a man talk about love and friendship and keep me at arms length when I've said since the beginning all I've wanted is a friend to see me and love me for who I am?  Am I asking for too much?

Family is another story.  They don't hear me.  The interrupt me… they stop listening and their eyes glaze over just when I thought I finally had a shot to talk.  Just when they've been telling me what a jerk I've been not to hang out and talk with them.  I can't win in their eyes.

The conversation with Russ from Ohio happened on Friday night when I was at my sister's for a sibling dinner… I've a feeling I said something too loud… the rest of the night I got funny looks and was asked several times if I was ok or if I was having fun… normally… they ignore me.  Or rather if not ignore, they just gloss over me and continue their conversations all the while telling me to get off the computer or phone or I should speak up.

Work… I'm moving to the other site a week from today.  Starting over, and doing so without the one coworker I've had the pleasure to work with every day since I started.  Nervous as hell… and I'm worried about the woman taking my place.  And I'm worried that the people in the current site won't care that I'm gone.  I'm… scared.  I just want to find my niche, and although I'm going to miss the people at the site quite a bit… I just hope I can learn and prove myself at the new site.  I hope I can dig in and show that I'm worth more than just sitting doing nothing at a very quiet receptionist desk. 

Healthwise… Fuck, I wish I felt better.  Every morning I wake up and it hurts to move.  I haven't gone a day at work without needing to stand up and stretch all through the day.  The thing is… is that I'm so tired of people telling me it's stress related or in my head.  Why can't I just not feel well without someone telling me that if I calmed down I would feel better?

Guys suck.  The guy who got me drunk is around… and has asked me to lunch and drinks on a few different occasions but I've declined.  Everyone I talk to tells me the guy wanted only one thing, and I'm apt to believe them.  I want to be a fun person to go out… and although I can laugh about it… I'm miffed too. 

The coworker I enjoy so much has this constant battle with himself… At least that's what I think.  I don't want to date him… I want to hang out and be friends because he's the best thing to happen to me since I started at this place.  He is so out going and a really friendly guy.  Everytime we've talked about going to a movie he flakes… or like with Saturday night, he called me Man on the phone when I called to invite him out.  Man.  When a guy says, 'yeah man, that sounds great, when do you want to go man?' it means there is a girl in the room… or he's embarrased to me talking to me.  So… now I'm back to thinking fuck him.  I'll be nice and continue to do things the way I am at work, but I can't keep trying to put myself out there for him.  I texted movie times for sunday and told him to get back to me… he never did.  I make the phone calls and deal with the fall out of things not happening.  I don't need him.  I don't need to feel like I'm some sort of embarrasment.  I already feel that way about myself without having someone else do the job for me.

It's all very… frustrating.  No matter what I do I'm thinking…

Thinking about work and russ and family and life.  Just thinking about making it through today and on to tomorrow.  Working one our at a time hoping the next will be better than the last.

I can't do all of that and be here… I wish I could.  I wish I could be here to talk and cope and help everyone of the people who've helped me.  I wish I could have more energy… I just wish I was someone else.

I cut everyone off… and now I regret the hell out of it.  Not just in the past few months here, but all my life.  I moved on and left people out of my life because I didn't have to see them every day.  I let all of those friendships and relationships go because I didn't feel worthy of them.  I wouldn't allow myself to think people would remember and love me if I wasn't there every day trying to at least show them I cared…  And now I'm alone.

I try to pick back up with people, but it's not the same.  I'm not the same.  And no matter how hard I try, I can't be who they want me to be.  And I can't expect them to give what I'm asking.  I ask too much. 

I really just hate things right now.  I want to wake up with somone, and a family, and a job I like.  I want to wake up and feel something other than pain.  I want a real life.  I'm working on it… one day at a time… that's all I can ask of myself.