so… I don't really know what to say, other than i need help, lots of help and guidance and desperately. my ocd's at a high, and i dont really know what else is wrong, other than just everything. my girlfriend's mother flipped out and won't let me talk to or see my gf, because i have problems and she thinks im making her worse, after i saved her life multiple times. well i had an ocd fear of losing my girlfriend to my mind, by means of my mind making her not feel real, or not feel like she was even herself to me, or by making me lose my love or feelings for her. the lack of ability to contact her has exacerbated my ocd symptoms with that to a horrifying new level. Along with the fact that i feel like i forget stuff very easily, so i can barely remember her whatsoever, i cant feel any emotions for her. when looking at her pictures, watching a video clip, nothing. im scared it means i dont love her. that upsets me so severely i want to hurt myself. im scared when i do finally get to see her again, if i do, that itll feel wrong or i will never be able to feel my feeligns or love for her, so it wont matter. my friend saw her at a store the other dy ,and all she said was to tell me hi, and i exploded with emotion. anxiety, frustration, anger, depression, confusion, worry, all of it. i wanted more than anything to jsut be able to talk to her. so anyways, i dont know if i even love her anymore, but i rlly want her to know i still do, because i think i do, and i care about her more than everything else, and i want to be with her very badly, but i feel like its too late. i cant tell my feelings for her are there or not, and i cant even see or talk to her at all. in addition, i have many man other obsessions and compulsions im constantly thinking about and performing, and im beyond super depressed and overwhelmed. i dont really know why, but anything and everything i look at, even the things that should make me happy, feel wrong and make me rlly upset and sad. ive been burying myself in a computer game, in order to prevent myself from offing myself. ive almost killed myself many times the past few weeks, no attempts, but i went to the woods before with some belts and was going to hang myself. and today i was certain i was going to kill myself tonight, and i still want to, really badly, i need to. theres too much pain aand suffering. i used to live because other ppl needed me to, they love and care about me. and of course i love and care about them back, but lately i find myself numb and not caring at all if i hurt them, jsut feeling the strongest need to die. and i cant do this anymore, theres just too much to bear, i cant stand being conscious and i want to kill myself so bad, i just hate physical pain, and im afraid to try, even though im more afraid of living and hate more the pain im livign with and the unbearable shit im going through. it doesnt sound that bad, but the pressure and pain and stress and hopelessness have mounted to beyond unfathomable levels, talking to people no longer helps at all, friends, family, you name it. everything is hopeless and ive never felt s screwed in my life. i guess thats really it, i dont know what else to say other than i can;t do this, ive tried being positive, and the negative emotions hit me like a tidal wave all at once and were even worse. i really wish i kileld myself on this specific day in time when it was unbearable but i felt this strange peace inside, felt the love for my gf and liek she was there and in my heart, and if i dieed that day i wouldnt have had to deal with anything after that and i wouldve died with peace inside. i wish i did off myself that day, but i lived for my gf. well, now im in dire need, ive been to two psychiatric hospitals, neither of which rlly helped for very long, im on a new med, which seems highly ineffective, and im beyond done. this sint impossible, its a million times beyond. and im a million times past my limit. i cant do this anymore :'(