My counsellor said to write down everything I feel somewhere…
I feel like one of those soldiers who come back from the war and feel so alone because no one understands what they've been through. I'm sick of people telling me I'm too young to feel this way, that I don't know what it is to be 'depressed'. The last time I cut was three months ago and I am proud of that. The first time I cut was when I was 14. Nothing made sense, I didn't like my new found popularity, I was quite happy being quiet and shy and listening to my rock music with my one friend. I was bullied in primary school so I had no confidence in secondary. I just really wasn't comfortable with myself and didn't know my own identity. I stopped at 15 and tried hard at being happy…I was for a while until I made some friends I shouldn't have.
When I was 16 and a half I got this kind of deep satisfaction out of self destruction. My best friend betrayed me and I felt to blame because I dragged her into my world of partying and drugs and it changed her. I developed an eating disorder even though I was a perfectly average weight. I started cutting much deeper and I regularly attempted to stitch myself up. I still have scars all over my arms and thighs. I backed out of perfectly good relationships out of hatred for myself and started excessively smoking pot and drinking even though I was bulimic and anorexic. All my real friends then grew out of that phase, let themselves fall in love and forgot about me. I feel as if I don't let myself feel for another person properly because I'm scared of being hurt like I have been in the past and I don't know if anyone would accept the real me.
I'm 17 now and I've got help, mostly due to my mom pressuring me. Counseling can help sometimes. Art, writing and music is basically the air I breathe. I still struggle so much with depression from a day to day basis even though I can say I'm much more comfortable with who I am now. But after what I've gone through I feel like I can't relate to anyone anymore. I'm the complete opposite of who I used to be. I'm tired and moody and quiet and emotional. My friends, boys and girls alike, think I'm snubbing them when really I just can't handle life. It's becoming so bad I can't even go into school. No one knows, no one in my life understands what I'm going through. I feel dead inside. It's like I see no point in life anymore, after everything now I'm just completely numb, I don't feel and I don't want to feel. I don't know what to do…
You have certainly been through a lot for only 17 years old. I am 17 too and am here if you need to talk. But as Andrea said,, you are not alone. Dont give up
As the rest of the comments read, you aren't alone. It's a difficult time in your life, but things will get better if you let them. Give it time and work with the counselors. I was in the very same place when I was 16. I attempted suicide and had been revived at the hospital. Life by no means is an easy journey, but it's also not one that's walked alone.
If you ever feel the need to talk or anything, please don't be shy and message me. Maybe you'll find some answers or see life in a different perspective through my journey. Just don't give up.
~Azura