I've never wrote a blog before, the thought of other people, strangers for that matter knowing deep and personal information about my life was never my favorite idea, but i need help, and i feel likei have noone to talk to. But here goes nothin…
I got sober in December of 2010 after many years of using and a lot of horrible consequences because of my HORRIBLE decisions , including coming way too close to comfort to losing my life, on more than one occasion. I was sober for a little over 2 years and relapsed about a year ago this month. Once I started back, it was full force, game on, and when they say it gets worse never better, boy were they not joking.
I'm 7 1/2 months pregnant with my first child. And I am very pleased to say, sober again, which is amazing because I never thought that would happen, I truly thought I'd diein addiction,and I owe that all to my unborn son. He's already my hero, and he isn't even here yet. He's allowed me to experience joy again.
Now, his father on the other hand, who is my fiance and the love of my life, I'm so scared for. He's addicted to heroin, and he's very honest with me about using every day and when he's going to get drugs, etc. We are living in different towns right now, so it makes it a lot easier on me, not having to be around that, but emotionally, the toll it is taking on me is so hard. I don't want to leave him, I don't give up on people that I love, and he is trying to quit, seriously has taken a huge drop in the amount that he is doing, tapering himself off, but his mind is so wrapped up in the drug and the "game", I want him to be around. I want him to be there when our first son is born, happy, healthy and sober. I want him to help me raise him, teach him how to play football, be at the end of the aisle waiting for me on our wedding day, at our sons first day of school, not locked up in a prison or in the ground. He breaks down every time he tries to tell me that he's trying to quit, crying, feeling like a piece of crap about himself, beating himself up because he's not "good enough" for me, etc. I need to know how some of you have dealt with a situation like this, I need to know how I should go about helping him, I need help dealing…. because it's breakin my heart.
He most likely cannot quit on his own. Just as someone with cancer can not be cured on their own. I used for nearly 18 years before I finally decided to get help 9 days ago. I've been kicking myself in the ass ever since because I can't believe I waited that long to seek assistance. At first I said, well I knew I needed it but I never wanted it. I realized after a few group meetings in rehab that, that was not the case. The fact was, I needed it, I wanted it, but I didn't have faith that anyone or anything could help me if I couldn't do it myself. I didn't believe rehab or NA had anything to offer. I WAS WRONG! In just 7 days I learned sooo much but I still have much more to learn.
One of the the most important things I learned is that our disease lies to us.It commandeers our mind and our thoughts. It tells us things that simply are not true. Scariest of all is that it talks to us in our own voice. We become unable to differentiate when the disese is speaking and we actually are. It tells us, we can do it on our own, we get clean for a few days, weeks, months, even years at a time while it plays possum in our heads. Then one day it starts talking to us again without us even relizing it and then boom we're right backin that dark place again. You know this first hand. You've expienerced it. We cannot do this alone, we are not alone, you are not alone, he is not alone.
Get him into rehab or at least try to get him to go to some meetings and while your at it get yourself into some meetings too. I know what you mean about not wanting to come clean about this darkness in your life and the things you've done but it helps; it really does help. The first time a total stranger asked me my drug of choice I panicked but after I said it this relief washed over me. I didn't have to lie anymore. That double life I'd been leading for so long was over. Now I want to shout it from the roof tops but for fear of losing future employment I don't. However, I'm going to meetings, I joined this forum, and I'm now honest with close friends and family. It's as if the weight of the world has been lifted form my back. You've taken a big step here. Let it sink in and then take another one and get to a meeting. There some really smart and wise people there who understand everything you are going through and they can help. You also help others by sharing and that is what it is all about.
Now back to your man, he will eventually bring you back down with him. That is a sad simple fact and you know that deep within yourself. You know it. Your sobriety and the well being of your child are your number one priority. Remember we can not help others who are not willing to help themselves. If he is not willing to help himself by going to rehab or attending some meetings than for your own sake and for that of your child you must love him from a distance. This is a sad fact us addicts must face. Our sobriety must be number one and everything else must come after that. Its something I too am struggling with. We must change persons, places, and things if they are a danger to our sobriety. How cn we help others, love others, if we don't help and love ourselves first?
I hope I have been of some help. I am only sober 9 days now but I'm trying, I'm really trying, and with the help of others and support groups I know I can do it. I know we can do it. It's not just about getting sober, its about being sober and staying sober. Remember to keep it you have to give it away and together we can accomplish ALL things with unity, love, and tolerence.