I am re-reading this book once again and this whole thing is causing some great anguish for me right now.  I know there are several of you here who have read this book and I am reaching out to you.

Days 36-38 talks about turning things over to God, not trying to control your life, and the fact that I am here to "recruit" or encourage others to find God.  As wonderful as most day’s read is, these are troubling to me.  I don’t see myself as a "recruiter" and the thought almost terrifies me to be truthful.  I am torn in that I want to be a good person and I want to serve God, but these temptations are unbelievable right now.  I am amazed and horrified that the devil knows what I am going through, my thought process, and that he is trying this hard to get me on his side.  (seriously I wonder why anyone would want me on their side but that is another story)  I feel like if I let go and let God work, that my joy in this life is gone.  I know that sounds selfish and it is.  So that means if I give in to these temptations, I am destined for hell basically.  Why was I given the ability to enjoy certain things if I should not use this ability.

I am going to try and find a group in this area to see if I can discuss this with anyone.  I am also thinking about contacting my priest to see if he will talk about it with me.  Meanwhile if there is anyone here who can help me or offer some insight, please do so. 

I wonder if the depression causes my strength or ability to deal with this on a daily basis to change.  That is possible, don’t you think?  Certain parts of the book during a different read were difficult and now seem easier to deal with.

May God bless you and I thank you for listening.