I'm always chasing depression. When I can't drink, I try to occupy my mind with other things, anything, cute things, even sad and macabre things, anything that might hold my interest and keep me from going deep down into depression.

One of the hardest things for me to talk about is the past, obviously the bad memories but the good ones can be over bearring too in my mind. Remembering too much of anything terrifies me and it takes a while for me to feel like myself again. As with last night remembering those years in Germany, it will take me a while to get over that memory overload, it's just too much. I try to drown the thoughts with memories of the JC, and my relationship with K instead. It wasn't all that long ago that K and I were together since it was 5 yrs, to him being so much younger it must be like a lifetime.

I am haunted today by many things and I am trying to pick myself up. Being haunted and obessing over the past always equals deeper and more intense depression.

I just heard from K yesterday so I know he won't text me again today. it's dark and rainy again… I want to text him to see how his day is going but I don't know. It's really important that I let him take the initiative and not bother him if he's busy living his life. People have told me in these past 5 years… "If he is interested and wants you in his life, he will let you know. Otherwise, let him go."

That simple. Of course it's not… Ironically, had I let him go we would not still be in contact today. A couple of years ago (Spring of 2010) I hadn't heard from him in months and I decided to text him. He had just gotten a new phone and did not recognize my number. He didn't know who it was. So I told him and he just said "Oh. Hi, how are you?" and the conversation didn't go much further.

Had I never attempted to contact him, as I have said, we wouldn't still be talking. I guess over the years he realized how loyal I am and how much I admire him… I know that's really not enough for him to love me back. But at least he realized what a good friend I am.