i have lost interest in food. i dont want to be here any more. iv had enough i just want to be happy. my days are split between good and bad bits and i cannot control myself anymore. my parents dont understand me and are just saying get over it and i cannot but they wont listen. i started self harming yesterday – it hurt. So i have started scratching myself hopeing to erase myself from existance. So far it hasnt worked its work in progress. i hate myself for putting my boyfriend through this but i have no option and just dont want to be here and im worried that he cannot take my moods anymore but i think he is better away from me. when i know i love him and i don't want to lose him. he is my world and the only thing stopping my topping myself off . i applyed for disability allowance and income support so i can pay rent otherwise i could be homeless. I love work but atm i feel bullied by my boss because he puts me ontop of a wobbly ladder (im scared of heights) and makes me clean. the worst job ever. if i try to talk to him he makes fun of me infront of everyone. so i have a month off but that doesnot help me financially so that is stressing me out. i am hopefully going to apply for an apprenticeship in carpentry and joinery because that is what i want to have a carer in. My dad is now supporting me after 10 wasted years arguing about what i want. We nearly had an argument at dinner because i nibbled at my dinner – i didnt want much but he had to say you want more than that, is he me? i just want my parents to back off – they keep pressuring me to get a job but how can i when i physically shake thinking of working. i only have one readon for being here and that is for lee.

Alyson