Three fantasies when I was an adolescent.

One – sneaking out of my house. It was impossible, but I could do it in my head. Walking barefoot down the pavement, all the way down the street in the chilly night air, feeling everything. Walking toward the bridge by my house and sitting quietly beneath it, listening to the water gurgle, jump, and sing through and over the smooth rocks. Some place safe, concrete, and solitary.

Two – Laying on the wet forest floor at the camp we used to clean up as children. I know every tree. I know every stump, I know the stream, I know the secret, wild onions by the little stream's silty corner. I know the fallen tree and its lonely base. I know the secret little clearing, and the corner, where everything is lush, new growth, bright green and sparkling with dew. In my mind, I am laying by the fallen tree. My clothes are soaked, and I am staring up at the leaves turning golden in the rising sun, the bugs wandering over me, and my body falling into the peaceful earth.

Three – dancing. The same dance, over and over, until I can't breathe. Throwing harder into every jete, every spin, every kick. I own the music. The music owns ME. We are the same for a few minutes. Rewind the track. Play it again. I need to be consumed.

This morning Dove, the smallest kitten with feline leukemia passed away. We weren't even there. No one was there. All he wanted to do was snuggle – he couldn't get enough of curling up and rolling around in your arms. We found him cold. No one was there to snuggle him. I was not there to hold him. I didn't give him what he needed. I should have done more.

I can't tell if I am furious, miserable, or if I just want to throw in the towel and scream I CAN'T DO THIS. I CAN'T WATCH THE OTHER FIVE CATS SLOWLY DIE. But I know I can. It's just killing me, bit by bit.

And there is nowhere for me to dance. No forest to lie down in and just breathe. No concrete leading me safely to a quiet bridge.

I was trying to quit xanax. I typically take 1mg at a time, 3 times a day, depending on the day. But I want to have a baby, and I thought it would be easier to quit harmful drugs before trying.

Today I took six. At once. I finally got some sleep.

I finally got some fucking sleep.

Now that I'm awake, I have no idea what to do.