I joined this website because I suffer from a myriad of mental illness and also chronic pain.  My perception on reality is growing more and more convaluded, and im fearful that my BPD is advancing to Schhitzoaffective disorder. Im scared, isolated and crave the company of a woman which just makes this all worse.
Since April things have been improving and there are notable changes in my thoughts and behavior as my meds have been taking effect. I started working as a part time after school elementary art class instructor. My neuroses subside while at work facilitating art. Sounds good right?
So why for the past few months have I been addicted to hard drugs like MDA, DMT, and various forms of speed? This has to stop. This morning after tweaking out on speed for 24+ hours, and suddenly the most frightening thing i have ever experienced occurred…My vision became abruptly significantly impaired. My sight was 20/20 yesterday, and now I cant even read the words in a book they are so blurry, i hope this is some kind of side affect that will wear off whenI wake in the morning, the magnifier glasses i am wearing right now are able to allow me to make out letters and words better but still so fuzzy. No long distance vision impairment that I am aware of.

Doing these drugs illustrates nothing more than the fact that I hate myself. i am my own arch nemesis. It does not make sense to me how people can love themselves….its a feeling I have never rbeen in touch with but should. I have too many talents and good things going for me to hate myself, yet i continue to have an utter irrational distaste for myself.
I need a positive female influence in my life. i dont believe Im capable of maintaining a relationship as history has repeatedly proven, but i need to be admired by women, I need to relate to them. i need reassurance from somebody amazing, i need to find someone that will put a fire under my arse to change my ways.
I am not like most guys I know. In no way do i act macho, or base my life around cars and sports. i am a creative mind,very sensitive and empathetic as well as benevolent whenever i can afford to be….If there is anyone out there that is struggling ina similar way or has some words of inspiration for me here, please be my friend,
~Todd