So it's been a long while and it feels like I'm a fcuking record stuck on repeat. I just don't know what to do. I don't write anymore, don't read, can't concentrate on schoolwork, I'm just depressed. Majorly depressed. My husband left me back in November and I've had the kids since then but now he's going to take the girls, granted I've been telling him to take them, and it comes with mixed emotions. I'm relived my girls will be taken care of and at the same time I feel as though I've just lost my entire little family. I feel like with them gone what's there to stop me now from following through with my impulses? I haven't cut in a long while since before husband, well ex now, left me. But I did have a suicide attempt it was just this April actually and I ended up hospitalized. Now I'm thinking of going back to the hospital, they'll keep me from killing myself but really what else can they do? They can't make him come back, and that's what I want the most. I'm so full of hurt and pain that I don't see why I should keep going, there's no point. Everyone says to think of the girls or people would be sad or miserable if I did kill myself. I can't help thinking that (1) the girls will be fine with their father and (2) so it's better for me to be completely miserable suffering this pain and keep going to make them feel better while ignoring my own feelings? People say that suicide is selfish but seriously does no one think about just how much pain a person must be in to even consider killing themselves? I mean they aren't all happy go lucky about it they are severely wounded and slowly bleeding to death while people around them keep saying how they should just be happy. Fcuk I barely eat! But it's all seen as oh she's doing it for attention, for christ's sake it's crying out for help before I do manage to succeed! It feels good to get this out, this horrid ugly black tar of pain that I keep inside me. It hurts. I just want it to stop hurting. I just want to sleep and wake up to everything magickly made better, my family back together. Well they actually will be together just without me. That feels right and wrong at the same time. It's scary to think that I willbe all on my own with this and I might lose. My depression has grown, it's taking over and I'm so tired of fighting it that I just might let it and that's a scary thought. I just want everything to be fixed. I want my life back together. I want my family back. But I can't have any of those things. I'm so shattered, broken into such tiny pieces that there is no fixing this no fixing me.

2 Comments
  1. pipo2020 6 years ago

    There is no denying you are feeling pain right now. However, dont forget that you have been blessed with giving life and your kids need you and want to have you in their lifes. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling, and I am sorry for this pain, sometimes pain just consumes furiously. Nonetheless, we as humans are meant to love and this love can overcome anything. It takes tremendous work thats why we have warriors that fall at times, nonetheless you have your kids and you can fix whatever it is for them. Life is hard and it takes a lot of work but remember it is one day at a time. Doing this in the right direction will take you far! You are doing everything you can, and you seeking support says so, you are warrior and I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart!

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  2. Paume 6 years ago

    Thanks for the support guys I will try the 8 glasses of water and walking for 30 mins. It hurts, it's so painful all I want is for it to stop. Thank you for commenting. I did some recovery work today and am thinking of adding affirmations to my morning routine. 

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