I feel like a shell. I am empty.I thought I had accepted my daughter getting married in December, but I haven't. I am trying to put on a brave front for her and saying it is OK, because I cannot stop her. But, it is not working. It is taking its toll on me. As much as I try, I cannot believe it is the right thing for her. They will live together after marrying in December until June when he leaves for Marine boot camp. She will graduate in May of 2017. Maybe they will spend thatsummer together if he is not in training or deployed.

Then, she will go to grad school somewhere away from him. For 4 or 5 years. Why did he decide to go into the military? He is a music major for God's sake!!! Marrying someone in the military when you still have graduate school to finish does not make sense. One of them will not finish or they will divorce. And seeing as he will be signing a contract and will be unable to quit, it will be my daughter who will end up giving up her career. Not only is he going in the Marines, but he is going in as enlisted and not as an officer even though he will have a college degree. So, less pay, less desirable housing if she does go follow him around. I tried to tell her that they segregate the officers from the enlisted (she says that's stupid), well it's true. She won't like being an enlisted wife. But she thinks she will never be with him on base as she will be at graduate school getting a Ph.D. She is not just looking to get a Doctorate, but to getone from the elite schools in the East. Cornell is her first choice, but Columbia and others are in there. A Doctoral candidate will have little in common with enlisted spouses.

Why do I care? It is her life, not mine. I should be happy that she will no longer be my responsibility. I feel like I am playing this never ending game of Monopoly and I am ready to quit. That's it. I don't want to play life anymore. It's not just her. It is my parents as well. My older sister who is estranged from my parents wants to see my dad before he dies. Iam trying to make that happen, but my mom is all upset about it. She does not want to know if or when it happens. I would not have brought it up to her except for the fact that she mentioned it. Their primary care doctor talked to her about Dad needing to see his daughter before he died. This doctor never got to see her dad before he died. No one told her about it. She read about it in the obituaries. It really hurt her. (He abandoned her,not the other way around as is the case with my sister). When mom told me this, I said that my sister had contacted me and wants to see him. She said she is OK with it, but she isn't. Just like I tell my daughter I am OK with her getting married in December when I am not.

So, Dad and I have decided, we won't tell her when it happens. I'll just take him out for breakfast and to run errands and we will meet my sister. I hate the secrecy. I hate it. It just creates more drama. I cannot handle it. And Dad is making me executor of his will, not Mom so that she will have less work. But I am not sure I am up for it. I want to quit playing this game! I want off this roller coaster. It was fun for a little bit, but now it is torture. And, he wants me to give some money to the estranged sister and one of her children, without Mom knowing. He has loaned money to various people or bailed them out of trouble. He wants me todecide whether it gets taken out of the inheritance or not. It is not fair to me to do that. A lot of this he has done behind Mom's back. Secrecy. I hate it.

My daughter has done something I cannot write about here. I cannot talk to my husband. It is driving me nuts. I don't see my counselor until Monday. My husband knows something has upset me, but I cannot tell him. It would be breaking confidence. Again, secrecy, it is killing me. I sit here crying my eyes out. I am unable to do anything. I have a lot to do, but I am paralyzed. Usually I have no problem keeping things confident. That's probably why so many people confide in me, because I do not talk. It goes in the vault and stays there. I need to shut my vault, lock it and make no more deposits until further notice.

I really want to go back to group therapy but because of everything going on in my family right now I can't. Insurance frowns on you going for a couple weeks and then taking off. I need to go see my parents once a month for about a week at the time so that won't work. And then there is helping my daughter get ready for her wedding. Something will always be happening to keep me from going. I would go in patient, but I worry about my dogs. I get anxious when I am away from them and I don't think they are being taken care of. On this last trip to my parents I took just one of them. I took the smaller one because she requires more attention and stimulation. The bigger one is happy to plant himself on the couch orbed and stay there all day. Not a good move. The bigger one was so lonely and upset. The smaller one was even sad and lonely even though she had my parents' dog to play with. Whenever Ileft my parents' house, she would howl. Mom tried to distract her, but she would just howl. So I started taking her with me if I didn't have to get out of the car and could do drive-thrus or my Dad was with me and could stay in the car. So, now I am anxious about leaving my dogs. I don't trust my husband and son to care for them properly. And besides they are not home enough. I guess at Thanksgiving we'll have to take both of them. Last year we left them at home and had a boy come feed them and let them out. the little one got sick and had diarrhea all over the house. I don't think he will be willing to try that again.

Enough of my ranting and whining and crying. I'd liketo say I feel better now, but I don't.


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