Hi,

I dont know what exactly this is or who will read this. I just joined here. I arrived at this site through googling "help i'm losing my mind" and eventually was led here. Like the rest of you i suffer with ocd. Its horrible, as you know.

Let me give you a quick insight into my story,

I'm 18, my ocd started 3/4 years ago. (Although I've always had it in me, as a kid i used to spend hours repeating my prayers at night and in the morning until it felt right.) My OCD really took off when my grandfather fell into a coma. I was 15, this was my first experience of anything bad in life. I had only had "childrens problems" up to this point and now suddenly I was faced with someone i love hugely dying. He was in a coma for 3 weeks and it was the worst week of my life. I spent every waking moment praying it seemed. Just praying and hoping and hoping. Thats when the obsessive thoughts crept in. Things like, i would open a door and think of my grandfather dying, then i would immediately close the door and open it again, while conciously imagining him living and surviving this. These thoughts began to creep into everywhere. I didnt know it was ocd at that time.

Sadly, after 3 weeks in a coma, he did indeed die. It was horrible and i need not go into that. However, the obsessions passed away with him, as i couldnt obsess over him dying anymore as he was already dead unfortunately.

So a year passed, and then came the real start of OCD which to this day i still havent escaped from. While in the shower, i found a lump on my balls. Now if any of you have had this experience you'll know how terrifying it is! I worried about it for 3 days until i plucked up the courage to tell my folks. They brought me to the doctor the next day and he gave me an appointment for an x ray. The problem – the appointment was 2 weeks away. And like a baby in the womb my OCD grew strong and flourished in those 2 weeks. Suddenly it seemed everywhere i looked was cancer, cancer, cancer. Commercials on tv appeared about cancer at every break. News stories were all about cancer. Tv shows ran storylines about fucking cancer!

Now i'm not an idiot, i know this was purely my perception changing to pick up in the one topic that dominated my mind. But here i was at 16 facing my own mortality. I reasoned with myself of course, "even if it is cancer, you can be cured, its early" but as you good people with OCD will know, reasoning is often futile. The ocd grew and i was doing everything while dealing with intrusive thoughts of cancer, i was stepping in and out of the shower multiple time, opening and closing everything. Stopping in my tracks, taking a step back and going forward again. It was crazy. I was crazy. Or so i thought.

Okay guys, if any of you have read this far, i thank you, i truly do. I'm here primarily to help. And through helping i hope that i can be helped myself. I dont want to write a huge blog post. This post is getting big enough.

If you would like me to continue this blog, please comment, respond, add me, (i'm not really sure what you do on this site!)

There is much more to the story.