OK this is some hardcore rambling.. I’m just spitting out what’s going through my head right now in an attempt to calm down or at least lay everything out so I can pick through it and find what I’m looking for. What that is I don’t know. It’s the most prominent nothing I’ve ever felt. I feel like a raw nerve.. My anxiety is back leaving this feeling in my gut that something is wrong. Like i should feel guilty about something or I should be running away from something, but nothing is there to run from. It’s just me and my thoughts and I can’t hide from them. I feel like I have to do..SOMETHING.. I just don’t know what. Did I upset someone or hurt them? Have I forgot to apologize for something? Maybe I’m being to needy or annoying to someone and I need to back off? Maybe something physically is wrong with me and i just don’t know what it is yet? Or I’m scared of being judged even when no one here knows who I am. I don’t know what it is but it’s just an awful feeling. Just gnawing at my stomach and draining my patience and what little happiness i can find. It feels like I could have a panic attack at any minute over this unknown, unseen threat. God forbid if I did have one. If I know what it’s about I can fight it. I can try and let it go and let the panic wash over me until it’s gone. but this…I don’t know what this is so I don’t know if i should be actively doing something..I’ve learned ton’s of coping techniques over the years and some are better than others, but they all have their own application. Most of them are specifically for whatever fear i happen to have. This though is just raw anxiety. Like the little building blocks that make up my fears and worries. Like if i stripped down a panic attack of everything except the emotion. It’s like some primordial fight or flight response without the threat looming over you. All I can do is just sit and breathe and wait for it to pass, but it never does. It’s just my brain firing over and over at nothing. Does my body know something is wrong with me and I just haven’t conscientiously noticed it yet or some sixth sense of the consequences of some random thing I’ve done that I didn’t notice was wrong?  I get lost in thought scouring my brain for something, anything that I should immediately regret. Something new, but it’s just all my old issues. I keep catching myself holding my breathe because I’m trying to figure it out in my head. All the while I’m trying to at least function enough to respond to people and keep up this mask i wear of the normal me. SOMETHING is wrong. SOMETHING is off kilter with me. SOMETHING requires my attention, but I can’t figure it out. I’m just chasing my tail here tiring myself out mentally and physically trying to reach an impossible conclusion until I’m exhausted. I just don’t know what to  do..

4 Comments
  1. Author
    lycanthrope611 4 months ago

    See there in lies the problem. In this situation for me I am in a room holding a candle. I can only see so far sure, but I can hear something pacing just out of the light. A shadowy figure just out of sight. If it was something I could see I wouldn’t be as frightened. A familiar threat at the very least is familiar, but this thing is shapeless. I don’t know whether to treat it as my normal anxieties and accept the fear. Knowing it can’t actually hurt me just scare me. Or to treat this like an actual threat. Maybe it’s something more pressing. Something I need to work against. That I’m able to neutralize. I don’t know if whats on the other side of the veil is a whisper or a wolf. and that in it’s self terrifies me.

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  2. Author
    lycanthrope611 4 months ago

    I honestly don;’t know. I don’t know what to think. I just want this feeling to go away.

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  3. Author
    lycanthrope611 4 months ago

    I’ve always tried to practice CBT personally. It’s just finding a way to attack this is a little difficult.

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  4. Author
    lycanthrope611 4 months ago

    also I don’t get notifications for when you comment on this for some reason I’ve just been checking it since I’ve noticed the first comment so if I ever don’t respond I’m not trying to be rude.

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