Well, it's happend, I've fallen back into my ED. I've been restricting,working outand losing weight, four pounds already. I haven't fasted, just had a very low calorie intake. Either way it's bad, in a way. I know this is going to sound horrible, I wouldn't wish an ED on my worst enemy, but if I can't vent my feelings on a blog, then where?
I'm a little happy it's come back like this.I mean, I'm overweight, and that makes me very nervous, all the time. I hate myself, all the time. Maybe if I lose weight, I won't hate myself anymore. I dunno.
I'm nervous about school. I'll be going full-time for the first time since 8th. I'm in 11th. I'm extremely nervous, but I think it'll be better, because my sister is in High-school with me now. Meybe, just maybe, I'll get lucky and make some friends. Probably not though. My sister will. But, not me.
So, yesterday, I went to my younger cousins 6th birthday party. It's been a little nerve-racking with her. I love her to death, but, her parents, like the rest of my mothers family- are super-assholes. And the other day, I was reading a book to her about an old cartoon, she pointed to one of the pictures and said the father in the photo would be her cousin and she would be the little girl, then commented "But if they haveto kiss, then I don't wanna do that again. " At first, Ithought nothing of it two 6 yearolds kissing isn't something weird, really. Until I learned this cousin is 15 years old, and also the son of the man who molested my mother as a child, or so she says, can't believe everything she says. but it kinda worred me.
My mother has also been pissing me off. She never takes care of herself, I mean even when I'm the most depressed ever, I still bathe and Brush my teeth, or hair. She doesn't, and I finally told her in the nicest way possible, weird that a 16 yearold has to tell thier mother to bathe every once in a while, and she still doesn't for two more days! ughhh I just, hate her, I wish I didn't. But, I do.
I just want to say I love you, and mean it.
Sorry for the super long rant, one more day to therapiest! I'm so freaking excieted. thanks for reading if you took the time to.