This is the first time I have written a blog. I'm new to the tribe and have never really wrote anything down about how I feel. I think I have suffered from SA, depression, and GAD my entire life but have only recently put a name to the feelings. I'm so tired of feeling this way but I don't know how to change. I have a 16yr old son who I recently put into a rehab due to drug and emotional issues. I have so many mixed emotions. On the one hand I feel entirely guilty for his emotional problems. I look back on his life and think of all the things I should have done differently. Things I should have done to make his life more fulfilling. I feel like its my fault he is in the state that he is in. On the other hand, I get so angry with him. I know I tried so hard even though I was a young single mom (I was 19 when I had him). I sacrificed so much in my life for him and I don't think he really thinks that I did or appreciates anything I have done. It's never been enough. Last night I had to go to a weekly parent group for this rehab. There was an exercise she had the parents do. We had to pick 3 cards laid out with the emotions that we were currently feeling. After we all did that she then had us, one by one, go up to the front of the class and show what emotions we chose and explain why. I guess I don't have to tell you how upsetting that was for me. I was so nervous and upset that when it was my turn…I basically spoke as quickly as I could just to get it over with. And of course, I lost my train of thought and stumbled over my words. I could feel my face getting red and my hands were shaking. It was awful. Then we got to see my son for the first time in 3 weeks. He earned visitation but for only half an hour instead of the full hour because he had gotten in trouble during the week for sleeping in class. It was great to see him. He looked so good, so healthy. But it broke my heart when he started crying when he saw us. And of course, he doesn't think he needs to be there. He doesn't think he has a drug problem although he does admit to other emotional issues he has. I know this is the best place for him to be right now. But I am constantly feeling I have to defend myself not only to him, but also to his father (who has finally started to try and be a real dad for once in his life). I don't know. I'm just feeling lost and I wish I could just curl up into a ball and sleep forever. Sometimes I'm just so tired of lifes demands and what is expected of me when I feel I can barely handle anything. I'm glad I found this site. It's very comforting to know there are people out there who can understand what I am going through. Thanks for listening, I think I have rambled on long enough for now.