26. Never been kissed. Never even been on a date. What is wrong with me? I know I’m quiet. But, to my defense, I’m not one of those people who’s SO quiet that if you talk to me I just reply yes or no, I can carry on a conversation if someone else thinks of the questions to ask! I’m just not good at starting anything other than small talk.

Well, maybe I’ve been on a couple unofficial dates. Once last year this guy I liked asked me to go to dinner and a movie. The only problem was, since I’d never been asked out, I had no idea he was asking me on a date, so I just said “yeah, come over and I’ll cook.” He came over that one time, and then never spoke to me again even though I had to see him every day for 6 months until he quit his job at the place I work. I guess he thought I only wanted to be friends, because that was the vibe I was giving him, because I didn’t know what HE wanted. But if he’d just said “hey, want to go on a date?” it sure would’ve made everything alot less confusing. But talk about a major cause of my depression last year. That, plus a lot of other social rejection, was what lead to my hospitalization last year. But wow, that was 1 of 2 times I’ve ever been asked out my entire life. The last time was when I was 17…NINE YEARS AGO!!! And that was by some crazy weird gross 40 year old men who asked me while I was working the drive thru at McDonalds’.

Time # 2 was this one guy who just ended up being way too clingy for me to ever go out with him for real (our second phone conversation he told me he was looking for a wife, we sat together at church, and then at dinner with a bunch of friends he humiliated me by dragging me over to a juke box and playing Brian McNight’s Back at One in front of everyone), and he was also too much like me – super quiet. I didn’t see it going anywhere, if we’d gone out, we’d have ended up just sitting there staring at each other or making out, and I’m more interested in having a deep heart-to-heart and connecting in that sort of way than anything else, that’s what I believe is lasting (I’m old-fashioned like that). I guess I could’ve just dated him so I wouldn’t be alone…but I guess I don’t believe in pointless dating, I believe in dating only if it’s someone you could actually see yourself marrying sometime down the road.

Anyhow, I can’t help but wonder what it will be like when I finally get asked out by someone who has potential. Will I be too scared to say yes? I mean, I don’t know how a date evenm works. And where do you learn that stuff anyway? I’m too embarrassed to even admit that to anyone but on here. And I really don’t have so much time being so old and all to go out and learn by trial and error. Or better yet, will anyone ever ask me out? Or will I spend my whole life alone? And how much longer do I have to wait? I mean for crying out loud, everyone around me only has to wait like 6 months to a year before they find someone. I’ve been waiting all my life and I’m just so tired of waiting. I know I need to be at a healthier point before I’ll even be ready for such a wonderful person – right now, I’d just be a drain on him and I don’t want to do that to anyone – but it sure would give me hope if there was at least someone with potential who was a friend of mine now. Instead, there is no one, and it sometimes gets me so down that I feel no one will ever come along and I should just settle for any guy that looks at me, even if I know he just wants to use me and will spit me back out when he’s finished.