Someone is coming to MY house to look at cats for adoption Sunday morning. MY HOUSE. The house I can't live in because of all the trash, boxes, clutter. I have to be able to go into it, and not have a panic attack, and it also has to be clean enough to not freak her out.

It's a bigger deal than it seems. It's not a matter of coming off like I don't pick up my socks. It's more like…I have nine foster cats in my house. Our stuff is everywhere, half unpacked, just fucking horrific. The pets are well cared for. The house is not. I can't…I can't do this…I am scared shitless.

I don't know what to do. I can't do this. I can't have someone come in and see the way I live. The way I avoid living, because shit, I don't even stay there anymore. My husband does most of the pet chores that I would prefer to do myself because I can't go inside the door. It's paralyzing.

I can't fucking do this.

I tried to write more about five or six times, but each time I do, I go into a panic attack. When I take a xanax for it, I lose interest in writing completely. So this is the best I can express this for now.

Sunday morning, the whole world will end. I feel like there isn't enough oxygen in the world to fill my lungs.

EDITED TO ADD:

I don't hoard, in fact, I am the opposite – I cannot function if there is clutter around me.  A lot of the mess is a result of the flood I wrote about a little while back and the resulting sudden move.  About half or more of our things and every piece of our furniture was already thrown away – what is left has to be catalogued for the insurance company.  It's a huge task that involves searching for real values on each item that's destroyed, along with personal items like photographs that don't have cash value but were completely ruined.

In response to what''s the worst that could happen, unfortunately, thanks to shows like Hoarders and Animal Hoarders, the worst that can happen is my fosters are taken away.  If they had somewhere else to go I would be THRILLED about that – but I just got a call that all six younger kittens I'm watching came up feline leukemia positive, which would mean they would be immediately euthanized. With us, or with our organization at least, they can hopefully find an understanding home with no other cats or a feleuk cat that needs a companion.  I wish it was an easy fix, but nobody said rescue was pretty or easy.  Hopefully, at least, she'll take one of the healthy older ones (when I say I quarantine, I quarantine harder than most vet offices – complete with isolated air systems and scrubbing in and out when going into their room, even though now we know that isn't necessary because FeLV is not easily transmitted via people and is a fragile virus).

Lastly, in response to needing help – I can't express how much I would love to have professional assistance in coping with everything.  Unfortunately, my fosters eat better than I do, and that doesn't leave any room at all for regular doctor bills, let alone specialists.  I looked into therapy, help cleaning and unpacking/cataloging, other GPs, and psychiatrists, but let me put it this way – my next paycheck is already spent.  So, I guess what I'm saying is,

Thank you everyone for your caring responses – you are better than anyone else I have to talk to, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate every one of you all.