I had three “best friends” for the longest time. They were all special, but all very different and met different needs.

Best Friend #1 I have known since I was about 16 years old. We used together, we were clean together. We went through births, deaths, marriages and divorces. When I relapsed the last time, that relationship fell apart. She felt that I was draining her and I just pulled away. The hurtful things that were said when I was already down and out took their toll. I haven't talked to her since June. I miss her but it hurts too much to fix it.

Best Friend #2 was my buddy at church and she is my youngest child's godmother. When I left church, we grew apart. She was also not pleased with my relapse. We did actually finally make our peace and there are no more hurt feelings. I miss her but our lives are too different today to go back to what once was.

Best Friend #3 was my sobriety buddy. We also work together. She was a damn good enabler when I relapsed and she never deserted me. I thought it was us until the wheels fell off. They just fell off. Anyway, she went out on prescription pain meds a while back and it has come to the point where I had to more or less take sides between enabling her and actually fulfilling my HR duties at work. She threatened to sue the company because she doesn't agree with the incredibly liberal deal she already had worked out for herself. She doesn't want to work but continue to draw a full paycheck. It makes me resentful but I have still done everything I can for her. But threatening to sue the company was her undoing. We were illegally continuing to pay her as if she were in the office, although she hasn't been for about 2 years now. Because the entire company is at risk because of her showboating, she is now cut-off. We cannot risk the liability. She just called me and she is mad as a hornet. Her denial is so deep in her addiction, there is just no talking reason. This is everyone else's fault. She doesn't see one bit of her own responsibility in the situation. She said some very hurtful things to me because she feels that I let her down by reporting the facts and doing the right thing. I miss her but as long as she is walking in her addiction there isn't much to patch up.

I had the boyfriend that was my constant companion. We were joined at the hip for a year and a half. He never went anywhere or left me alone, to the point that I begged him for space sometimes. I guess I got addicted to him, he was around so much. Then one day, he just left as quickly as he came. I miss him, too, but he has vanished as if he never existed.

I have a lot of friends in various walks of life. I love them all. I love you all. I love the people in the rooms. I love the people who can't seem to make it to the rooms. I love people in general. But right now there is a hole. I am lonely. There is no one that I can completely bare my soul to.

I suppose the question is … will I let this make me bitter or make me better? Will I draw closer to God or push Him away for not giving me what I want or making it easy? Will I work the steps or will I say I'm too scared, too hurt, too busy to face some of these uglier parts of my life?

Strangely, this site makes me more serious about the subject of recovery. I say strangely because historically, online is where my alter-ego lives. In the month I have been here, I have really thought about a lot of things that were shared. I have been touched by the people who have reached out to me. I have laughed, I have cried. It just seems like a safe place to share this.

Well, time for the Colbert Report and bed. Tomorrow is a brand new day!

~Suzy