I hate this rollercoaster I'm currently on. I seemed determined to convince myself that I am a failure and cannot gain control over my emotions or thoughts. I had a bout of anxiety two weeks ago when my parents came to town, but I got through the first couple days and the rest of their trip went well. I had been doing fairly well again but this past weekend the anxiety/obsessions came back strong. It all started when I had a dream about feeling this way–that I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head. I woke up and realized it was just a dream and went back to sleep. I had another very similar dream and again woke up realizing that wasn't the case. This went back and forth until I actually got up. That's when it hit–I could feel the anxiety and I felt—"weird." I don't know how to describe it really, sometimes I wake up and I just feel off. I'm not thinking anything in particular but I feel off and this leads to a whole host of emotions and anxiety. I have completely convinced myself that I am slowly losing it; that any day I will slip away into dementia or psychosis. I think the worst thought/obsession I have is that these particular feelings/thoughts won't go away and I can't escape them b/c it's my mind. If I was afraid of something I could escape it—but how do you escape your mind? I'm so scared. Oh and let's add to the mix that I'm leaving for my belated honeymoon to Costa Rica in two weeks. My therapist is pretty sure that is what is triggering this recent anxiety bout since the last time I traveled is when my panic disorder reared its ugly head. I'm not going to lie, I am terrified that I will feel this way in Costa Rica or worse I will completely lose it and have nowhere to go. I want to enjoy life and I certainly want to enjoy this trip–we have been looking forward to it for so long, but the way I feel right now I can't see things going well. I already feel so terrible when I'm at home–what about when I am so far away and have to fly? Sorry but I just need to get this out. I am usually much stronger than this but I have really broken this week. I honestly believe this is the beginning of the end…that things will not get better. I know better than to think this way, but I can't turn my mind off. I'm stuck inside a living nightmare and don't know what to do.


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