I feel it. That big, giant pause, that calm before the storm takes off, takes over, takes control. I write to be able to sort out my thoughts and feelings, so that I don't eventually just lose it all and fall into whatever kind of madness keeps lurking around me. I write dramatically, for the effect of course, but also to try and properly explain myself to those that may not understand. It makes me feel good to explain my emotions to people. It also makes me hope, that in some way or another, someone will read it and be able to know they aren't alone. They can know these feelings are somewhere else, inside of someone else, so when you go to bed at night, listening to the same song over and over, and a few tears are choked back and a few tears are allowed to fall, you know you aren't alone. Someone, somewhere out in the world, feels the same way. It's comfort.
Right now I'm in this snowstorm, this ocean of everything. The floodgates of the past have opened up and I'm seeing all these memories, feeling all of these memories, and then I'm trying to sort out my life where it is right now. Maybe it's a mid life crisis. Nothing is making sense, I am not where I thought I would be right now, and what I thought were dreams coming true are becoming tears and rips in the fibers of my life. I don't know a better way to explain it. I don't want to be here, and I don't want to be anywhere right now. I want to be tipsy, and just lay in bed and listen to music. Or take a hike around a mountain or hill, I'm not too picky… and maybe not as ambitious as I am thinking. I want to get in my car and drive, with the windows down, into a rainstorm, and get pulled up into it. I don't know why I can't handle normal emotions, normal losses, normal relationships. It's either paranoia that destroys them all, or pain that does. Things could always be worse. I just want to turn my feelings and thoughts off for one day. That might make it a little better. But, then again, maybe it wouldn't. Maybe it wouldn't be me, being me. Then I wouldn't know what to do about anything! Back to the beginning.
It comes full circle.