So….Tonight was the Funeral, It went…Well although I felt awkward the whole time, And my social anxiety was getting to me…I was staying calm on the outside, But on the inside it was worse then death-con five.

I was able to get out of wearing a dress though (much to my moms disappointment) So I wore my black skinnie jeans and a formal-looking top (I didn\'t want to be disrespectful..) But I still felt so out of place…

I felt bad for shelly (that\'s the little girl of the mother who died in the crash I talked about in my other blog entry) and her father/rest of family. Honestly, I do and my prayers go out to them. I saw some of my old teachers (I used to go to that school..so)

But also what made me so uneasy, Was there was this lady who kept staring at me as if I were the fucking Anti-Christ…And it pissed me off, but also just fed into my own warped thoughts, I might not look it or maybe not sound it but I know my religion, but even in a church I feel like such a freak…an outcast, Does anyone else feel that way, even though it\'s suppose to be a place your accepted?

Anyway…So the service it\'s self went rather well…It was a moving and well thought one. I could tell this woman had alot of people who cared for her, not just the school but her friends and family…It made me wonder…If I died…Would anyone actually care? Or would I just be thrown into a ditch somewhere, and left for the buzzards?  I\'m not worth being grieved about…

Also…After the service we went out to eat…I was forced to tag along…And there was no way to escape getting out of eating..So I ate…I had steamed vegetables and half of a veggie burger (I\'m a vegetarian by the way…) and I felt SO guilty eating…

I tried…I REALLY tried to resist the urge to purge and empty my stomach again..But I failed…As soon as I got back home I ran to the bathroom in my room, and I made my self vomit…god…The burning in my throat is getting worse, I can taste the acid…And my ulcers/acid reflex are killing me…I think my ulcers might be bleeding again. I know it harms my body…But now whenever I eat I feel like i\'ll automatically gain and it…It\'s hard to explain in words.. :

So..That\'s what happened tonight, So I thought\'s i\'d just share it with you guys..I\'m sorry I wasn\'t strong enough to resist the urge to make myself vomit…I\'m so weak willed…