My mood:  tired, worn down, depressed.  The craziness of the last few days has caught up with me and I’m crashing.

Tomorrow is my company’s Holiday party.  We’re a small company so there will only be 20-22 of us there, total.  Of the entire group, I will be the only person there alone.  Everyone else will have their significant other.  How sucky. 

I was single last year, too, but I brought along my brother to the party because I was terrified of going alone.  Terrified.  I’m going completely alone this year.  I’m not terrified like before, I’m just not looking forward to it and want to get it over with as quickly as possible.  I’ve been dreading the party, and now it is upon me. 

Maybe it would be different if I was outgoinging and NOT depressed.  I could chat it up with whoever I wanted and enjoy myself.  When not depressed, I can be pretty friendly and keep a conversation going, but when I’m depressed and feeling outnumbered (as I will be, by couples) I can shut down.  I can imagine myself sitting and saying virtually nothing the whole meal as others chatter about their kids, sports, etc.  Hopefully it won’t be like that, but that is pretty much what our company lunches are like.  I just sit and say nothing because no one is talking about something I can even pretend to be interested in and I’m not motivated enough to contribute.  And no one bothers to ask about my life or interests.  I’m the only woman at the company and I feel so isolated and alone there.  I’ve always had work friends but not at my current company.

I know I’m setting myself up for failure with this attitude.  I’ll try to be more positive.  However, I am showing up late and leaving early, that is for sure.

Maybe I won’t go at all.