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I had a good day today.  It's the first time in a long while that I haven't spent most of the day depressed and wanting to kill myself.  I stopped taking my Saphris and half of my Prozac on June 30 in hopes of starting an obsession and my bipolar mood swings again.  Yesterday, I lost my temper for the first time in years, showing me that my mood swings are back.  I spent most of the day in a "mania" state, which is what I was hoping for.  I am obsessing about a friend again, also part of my plan.  I am thinking that if I am obsessing about someone, my mind will be occupied with thoughts of her instead of thoughts of hopelessness and wanting to hurt myself.  I know that I will pay for this decision to stop taking my medication later, but for now, it feels good to feel good again.  I must admit, I don't have a plan for when things fall apart in the future.  I know that playing around with my medication is dangerous (my doctor does not know I am doing this) but I am desperate at this point.  At least if my bipolar tendencies are in full swing I will feel good some of the time, and I must admit, that I would rather be obsessed than depressed.  I am taking half my Prozac in hopes that I will be able to control the obsession enough to not be a problem for my friend or to cause my wife any grief.  The depression is causing problems for us.  She is more and more aggravated with my condition.  It seems as if she stays mad at me any more.  I know that she deserves better than this, but I am doing everything I can just to stay among the living right now.  I know that things can still go bad and that I might end up in a hospital before it is over with (a fear of mine).    My doctor has already told me that if the Saphris didn't work I would have to try Lithium, and I don't want to do that either.  I am at the end of the rope.  This has to work.

1 Comment
  1. shawn 10 years ago

     I don't want to go on Lithium because I see it as a last resort before being hospitalized.  Nothing seems to be working for me, and I am afraid that that is where I am headed.  I fear that if I end up in a hospital the next step is electroshock therapy.  What happens if that doesn't work?

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