*sigh i really don’t know how much sense this is going to make, but i’m gonna try to write some, anyway…just can’t seem to focus much on anything, lately…. Grief? What is the grief process supposed to entail? i’ve dealt with death for most of my life…saw it at a young age, between sick relatives and funerals and so forth, and of course this is different, since it’s my daughter…. i still don’t know how to process it. i guess i can try to push it down, like usual, until i hit a sort of breaking point, and then let it go….but, i don’t think i’ll ever be able to ‘let this go’…. i’ve thought a lot about different issues i had with her, while she was growing up, whether it be the influences from her grandparents (that would contradict her own parents’ rules), to the peer issues she had in early high school, and so forth. i feel like i failed her. i tried to be present in her life and do what i could for her, but at the same time, she and everyone else, were pushing me back into a corner. i don’t know what i could’ve done differently that would’ve really made any difference. That’s the sad part. i mean, of course there were smaller issues that probably didn’t have much to do with the finality of her life, but it’s not gonna keep me from picking my own actions apart….*sigh i keep trying to think of the fun times we had and whether it was those moments when she and her brother were horsing around or when i’d simply tried to connect with her, there has to be some good in there–it’s not all bad, and she was not a complete failure. My husband made some comments earlier today, that just made me feel like not even speaking….it was basically sickening to hear. He made reference to the fact that Gabe, her son, was demonstrating to other family members the act of injecting into the arm–meaning he’d watched his mom do it…..How that, in itself, made her the “worst of the worst” as far as he’s concerned. Well, for one thing, he never met my daughter–only spoke to her over the phone once or twice. So, i don’t buy that she was the worst. She needed help….she needed someone to pay attention to the warning signs, and nobody paid enough attention or cared enough to do anything to truly help. We all failed her. Yes, she was 23 years old, so she was an adult. But, considering the people who continued to push and pry to be IN her life, and be heard, well…..It’s just a sad story, all around. i dunno what’s gonna happen….What i can promise is that as long as i’m in the land of the living, i will do everything in my power to keep an eye on my grandson. Those involved in his life need to wise up and be responsible. If they can’t, then they need to go.
i keep thinking about what i’d posted the other day about Shelby and her music…i guess that’s the one thing i’ll remember her for, other than her precious little boy.