Oh how I wish I had never written yesterday's blog. I don't believe in luck or karma or whatever. But I feel like if I had not been so out there with my good mood, then this bad mood would not hurt so much. Right now I am crying so hard that my head hurts. Oh where did yesterday's mood go? How could it leave me so quickly? It snuck in and gave me unexpected happiness and peace and left just as quickly. I thought that knowing that happiness again would be enough to give me hope when it left, but now I am just mad and desperate.

My husband said he wants me to be happy and enjoy life as if there is a switch in my brain that I can just flip and all would be fixed. Of course if that were the case we would all flip that switch. None of us in depression want to be here. We want to be happy, to enjoy life. Of course he added something that made it even worse: Everyone suffers when I am depressed. He wants me to get better so that it will be better for everyone else. Throw some more guilt on me why don't you? I know that my depression affects everyone. I know everyone suffers because of me. Repeating that doesn't make it easier to address the problems I have. Oh, I'm sorry,I didn't realized my mental health was ruining life for everyone else. I'll stop being depressed to make life easier for everyone else.

I shouldn't be so sarcastic. That's mean of me. I am not normally so mean. At least not out loud. But I guess I do think it. I feel good enough now to get dinner on the table. I hope to stay together enough to iron clothes. I've quit crying. I can push through in zombie mode or robot mode (actions but no feelings). In the mean time, I'll try to remember some of yesterday's happiness without letting it make me sad. I will long for it and look for its return.


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