Hello darkness, my old friend
By Charlie G.
 
Hello darkness my old friend;
It's been awhile, where you been?
I'm still clean & sober, standing on my own;
Relying on God, I guess I have grown.
I do think of you sometimes, but not nearly as much;
Now I'm facing life on life's terms; I don't need a crutch.
But I see you're still busy, still passing out gloom;
It's on the faces of newcomers, as they crawl in the rooms.
Beaten & broken, they've lost and it shows;
Recoiling from kindness, waiting for "No's".
But no matter how deep you've pushed them, no matter the depth;
They'll soon stand on their own, after doing the steps.
Because once we realize that – the past is the past;
We find the peace we've been seeking, that this time will last.
We realize that drinking & drugging did not fill the hole;
That it's been God all the time, calling our soul.
And when we let down our guard, there comes such relief;
We're suddenly filled; we have inner peace.
So darkness old friend, you need to be on your way;
I need to give thanks; to kneel down and pray.
I need to give thanks to my Power, that has kept you at bay;
So when you wave from a distance, I turn away.
I mean, who'd ever thought I'd be happy while clean;
Me; a shell of a man, and a nasty dope fiend.
So don't go away mad, just go away;
I'm ending this here, I've had my say.
peace
 
 
 
 
 
"I AM"
By Charlie G
 
What comes out from my hand, is what's inside of my head;
Because then it's over, forgotten, I've put it to bed.
But some things don't stay in bed, they've been pushed in so deep;
They won't come out of your head, they will not go to sleep.
Mine started with fireworks, and the crowd they went wild;
With the birth of Joy, my beautiful child.
From the first time I held her, she then owned my heart;
And I thought, 'This is forever, we will never part'.
But life is a bitch, it will throw you for loops;
Though you do the right thing, you jump through the hoops.
Joy made it pass infant, was just into 'tot';
God, 3 years old, you didn't give me alot..
Please take me instead! I made all kinds of deals;
But I never was heard, in God's court of appeals
I thought' 'This happened to me?! It was all just a ploy?;
To get me to love, then POOF, there's no Joy?.
And not just to lose her, but in a recliner chair?
How could you do that? How could you dare?
Then came the pain. The anger, and hate;
Who is this God? That we think He's so great?
I don't know who You are, and I don't give a damn!;
I was screaming at Heaven, when He said just, "I AM."
I needed more from that voice, looking for where it came from;
Now down on my knees begging.. just like a bum.
When He spoke to me again, it was straight to my heart;
"Joy may not be with you, but your never apart."
He said "You'll see her again. One day. It's so soon;
Till then she's watching, from the stars & the moon.
Now listen to Me, this will help you to mourn;
"Joy picked YOU as her father, before she was born".
"She's done her job, and now it's your turn;
"Your going to help people, from your pain they will learn."
"They'll come angry and hurt, with no idea, 'what to do'";
"Because you've been there, you'll help them. You'll guide them through."
"And one final thing, call it a hint, or a clue,"
"By helping out them, you'll be helping out you!"
So when things happen, don't wonder, "How can this be?"
"Just know it's to get you to where I need you to be."
Have faith! Trust in Me. Believe that " I AM."
"And I'll show you glimpses of you, in my Heavenly plan."
Then He parted the curtains, and allowed me to see;
Why I lost Joy to a chair, and He allowed it to be.
I met a woman one day, while talking to groups;
About why things happen to us, though we jump through the hoops.
She 'just' happened to be there, the same day as me;
And now she knew who to thank, and I was set free.
She had a little sister, named Joy, who'd been caught in a chair!
But hers got out safely, because of something put there.
You see recliners aren't the same as once they had been;
They were changed after Joy, so that wouldn't happen again.
And at that moment I knew it, my path had been paved;
How cool is it knowing a Joy, that your Joy has saved?
peace
 
 
 
CLARITY
By Charlie G
 
We spend our lives on a ledge, we'll never fall over;
Thinking of life as a field of clover.
So we trample through it, it's all about "me",
With our rose colored blinders, it's all that we see.
When we're hit & we slip, we just think with a hunch;
‘Get back in the clover, I can handle a punch.’
But there's nothing that hits you as hard as does life;
It will take your parents, your child, even your wife.
Then life tramples on with nary a glance;
To see who it's pushed off, purely by chance.
And as you slide towards the edge and start to go over;
You wonder hysterically, where is the clover?
Then your feet leave the dirt and your dancing on air;
Now clarity's your partner, and oh it's got flair!
Then the dancing stops and you begin to fall;
With clarity you know there's just one name to call.
God!, Dear God! you shout and you scream;
Thinking to yourself, this is only a dream.
As you fall faster, and faster, and still even more;
Inside of your head, opens memory's door.
You see the people you've hurt, and in an instant you know;
"It's not all about me", and you suddenly grow…
Wings!
God's gentle hand lifts you up and back over the ledge;
By the field of clover, where you stand on the edge.
Looking over that field, a sea full of "me";
Then walking away, now utterly free.
peace
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I met a man with a tale to tell…
By
Charlie G
 
I show to the world that I'm a man;                     
But in reality, I have no plan.
I spend my time holding up a mask;
It is not easy, it is a task.
Peel back the lips and show them a grin;
Inside I’m a loser, but they see a win.
Wheeling & dealing was my daily achievement;
Squealing and reeling in self bereavement.
I’d lie, steal or charm to finish the deal,
Anything to keep from having to feel.
That is who I was, until I was prod;
To step off the ledge: let go & let God.
You see, I met a man with a tale to tell;
Who said, “I can get you out of this hell.”
“That war raging inside of you, that you can’t ever win?
It doesn’t have to be where you’re going – just where you’ve been.”
“Hell, you’d attempt Mt. Everest for one more pill;
But it’s just 12 easy steps up Sobriety Hill.
12 simple steps, then you’ll soar like a bird;
Confident, assured, apart from the herd.
Flying high overhead, looking down at the past;
Where you spun your wheels in despair, going nowhere real fast.”
The price for this? The cost of the bill?
Was the simple giving up of my own self-will.
So I agreed to his terms, I said I’d give it a try;
Because using was misery, It’d long since lost it’s high.
So here’s what I did, 12 steps in all;
After reading the Big Book & getting a sponsor to call:
 
 
Starting with step one, that was a breeze;
Step two was tricky, wasn’t “God” just a tease?
Step three was a big one, if I wanted to be free;
Giving up my will; not depending on me.
The next one was honesty, that’s the heart of step four;
What I’d kept hidden for so long; I now opened that door.
In step five I admitted all – to God, man & me;
And the guilt that consumed me – now let me be.
Six is my defects, God take them away;
And in seven, I knelt down and that’s what I pray.
Making a list of my wrongs, this was step eight;
Ready & willing, it’s never too late.
Nine takes time; it should be done face to face;
Making amends when you can, and always with grace.
Ten is done daily, a close look at me;
Cleaning my house, is what keeps me free.
But the greatest for me is when I do step eleven;
Drawing closer to God; closer to Heaven.
Step twelve, you’re finished! But you’ve only begun;
When you see another still suffering, you tell them how it’s done.
 
So, what I want you to remember, what I need you to know;
Is what someone told me a long time ago:
That war raging inside you, that you can’t ever win?
It doesn’t have to be where you’re going – just where you’ve been
 
Peace
Charlie G
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
They tried to make me go to Rehab, but I said no, no, no…
By Charlie G
               
Stopped by a cop, my speed 97;
He said, “Boy, you in a hurry to get into Heaven?”
 
I replied, “Actually I am in a bit of a rush;
But I doubt that I'll ever see God's burning brush.”
 
Look, I know there's a God, why else do I fear?
And wipe away tears, as I drink from my beer?
 
But I've been locked in a room called addiction; in the hotel of life;
After evicting God & my family, now I’m rooming with strife.
 
Always crying and shouting, with chaos and self-pity;
Coming from inside of my head; it’s my own little city.
 
And I've peered out the window, seen people passing below;
Striding with purpose; and having somewhere to go.
 
 People who've been knocked down, then get up and begin a new day,
After pausing, then kneeling, then beginning to pray.
 
I want what they have! I need what they've got!
I'm not asking for a kingdom in Heaven; I'll settle for a cot.
 
God, I want some peace and some purpose! I silently cried;
When suddenly, inside of me, a door opened wide.
 
My head bowed as I stood, waiting to be chastened;
But to my surprise, what I received, was a realization.
 
I needed to ask for help, if I was to ever be free;
I couldn't do it alone; just depending on me.
 
Still I tried many times; I was Igor in his lab;
And the conclusions to my tests, always came up – ‘rehab.’
 
I finally gave up and surrendered, checked myself into detox;
Kicking the wall for three days, trying to get out of this box.
 
I finally finished with detox, now weak as a kitten;
And thought, 'I'd once been a Lion, before being bitten by addiction.
 
Now meeting counselors and clients, all the faces are new;
Then turning around & meeting myself, It's funny, but it’s true.
 
And though I didn't like who I was, I offered to forgive;
It was necessary – what I needed – if I wanted to live.
 
Because I didn’t use to feel good; but to try not to feel;
Now it was time to peel the layers, if I wanted to heal.
 
And those voices in my head? My own little city?
They had a name in rehab – they were called 'The Committee!'
 
Everybody had them! They thrived on self-pity;
Now I’m learning it was time – to evacuate that city.
 
In group I heard one guy share, and I heard him tell my life;
Down to losing the job, losing the house, even the car & wife.
 
I’m learning to relax. To come to a consensus;
By finding God, cleaning house, & mending my own fences.
 
"A hopeless dope addict," That had been my name;
And I used to wear it proudly; carried by my shame.
 
But now like a horse running free; let out of its paddock;
I'm laughing and smiling – a dopeless hope addict!
 
Peace
Charlie G
 
 
 
 
 
Dying, for something to live for.
By Charlie G

The pain in my brain,
Is such a strain,

I want it to wane,
I want it to drain.
My thoughts are like painting against the grain;
Like a ‘Dali’ Abel slaying Cain.
Emptiness leaves a stain;
Reality hurts, what’s to gain?
Then the thought washes away like the rain,
Before being yanked back by its chain.
My daughter’s gone now, another year;
Wetness on my cheek, I think it’s a tear.
Has my girlfriend relapsed? Hello to a fear.
So I lace up my boots, and strap on my gear.
I know what to do, it’s abundantly clear;
I’d been here before, as I neared my first year.
The pink cloud had left, it was no longer near,
I needed a meeting, to be with my peers.
As I think the thought, it’s met by jeers.
The committee in my head would like me to veer,
‘To the nearest bar, to the nearest beer.
“Go to a meeting? Are you daft?”
Addiction whispering its own witchcraft.
But I head out in my car, and on down the lane,
Intuitively following my own weather vane.
Because as sad as it’s been, writing this muse,
I promised my daughter never to use.
And the addictions inside me, that had whispered a riot?
Daring by sharing had rendered them quiet.
Remember, life isn’t always tied with a bow,
Just know, “This too will pass, and go with the flow.
So as I doubt and I hurt, I also will cheer,
Because in May I’m giving my daughter 3 years!

peace
 
Charlie G
 
 
 
Patiently Suicidal
By Charlie G
 
Patiently suicidal,
I was this.
Still am to a certain degree, but,
Now I wait,
Still patient, but,
With a gleam, instead of despair.
The emptiness, the loneliness, the guilt, the anger,
Can NOT be stuffed down & forgotten,
Remembering, intuitively, to walk around the pile when we get too close.
I believe "I" should try the 12 steps,
Though my problem may not be with drugs or alcohol.
It is a spiritual principle, that the whole world could live by.
Should live by.
It teaches us to walk through, not around, our deepest fears.
So we no longer smile at the world while inside we are begging,
Pleading,
Crying,
For help,
For happiness,
For peace,
Inner peace,
Sounds sweet,
So unobtainable.
It is.
Obtainable,
Reachable.
For the asking.
Ask.
What took me years to sink to such a level,
Is left behind in 12 steps.
Religion is for people who are afraid of Hell.
Spirituality is for people who've been there.
Ask.
 
——————————————————————————
 
There am I
By Charlie G
I got sober, I got clean;
But I didn't realize, what it means.
I'd won the race.
Came in first place.
But when alone I took off that face.
And grabbed another to fill the space.
I'd reached the ledge, the end of the chase;
That, I found, was not the case.
Where I was, was just the base;
And only there by my God's grace.
To reach the top, I had to see;
That it really wasn't all about me.
To keep what we have, we have to give it away;
It's what I hear – what they say.
But first I had to myself say bye;
And when I saw another, say, 'There am I.'
Because past my manners & beyond my masks;
Way down further, this will be a task!
Down to the bottom, then jump into the hole;
Over the wall that I have surrounding my soul.
Now past the soul, but still within;
I finally see, how I will win.
At the very bottom, of my very being;
This is what I am seeing:
To really be sober, to really be clean;
To really experience whatever you dream.
We must admit and intuitively know to be true;
You are addicted.
And I am, too.
Peace
 
 
Knock, knock
By Charlie G
 
Didn't know if there was a God, And wouldn't like Him if there was;
He took my child & laughed at me. He did it just because.
When my daughter died, I was no more, I couldn't take the loss;
I shouted out, "The hell with God!", I'd show Him who's boss.
So I shot up, I snorted, I swallowed & drank;
Deposited more into me, than I ever did a bank.
This went on, for some time, it rolled into the years;
I was still the boss, I mumbled in my beers.
'Why'd this happen? What'd I do? As the tears came down like rain;
I shouted out to someone's God, though I knew it was in vain.
But I saw people suffer loss, and continue on their way;
After getting up, from their knees, where they had bent to pray.
Something started whispering, I thought it was my soul;
Could there really be a God, and could He fill this hole?
Many nights, I'd beg for help, while curled up on the floor;
I knew there was an answer, but I had shut that door.
I'd slammed it shut, it must be stuck, I said inside my head;
The thought of being locked outside, filled my soul with dread.
This is where I'm going to be, He'll never let me in;
What I've done, the way I'd lived, He won't forgive my sin.
Then suddenly, something broke, and light came shining through;
I still did not understand, but now I had a clue.
Jesus died, for my sins, nailed onto a cross;
He suffered then, He suffers now, He feels my pain and loss.
And because He died, upon the cross, and He did it just for me;
The pain, the guilt, it was released, by believing, I was free.
It used to be, Get a car! Get a house! Everything was me;
Till I met God, cleaned house, & helped another human being.
I found out, the paint's still wet, on my paint by number dreams;
Nothing has to stay the same, don't have to leave it as it seems.
Instead of a dream, I had lived, with a paint by number view;
What it was? That had to be. I never really knew.
But now I know, I understand, now that I am free;
The door was never slammed & shut, that could never be.
Because God was always knocking, ready to help me win the war;
And all that was required of me? Believe, and open door.
peace
 
 
 
 
 
I'm scared to get old, I don’t want to be senile and grey;
Though that time is coming, God I dread the day.
Living out dreams, that are all inside your head;
Answering voices. Only you heard what they said.
your spirit is gone, your mind is broke;
From drinking all that liquor, and snorting all that coke.
You used to be hip, the coolest in the crowd;
Now your world's a fog, like looking through a shroud.
Your wife is gone, and the children never call.
Your body's bent, no longer standing tall.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I held a child today
By Charlie G
 
I stood in front of the mirror, and looked into my face;
I wondered just how far, had I fallen from Grace?
But my God is forgiving, He's loving and mild;
And today He allowed me to hold a child.
It has been so long, over two decades ago;
When I lost my child, the hardest of blows.
Then through the years of anger and ire;
Until I finally surrendered, I was just too tired.
Then turning over my will, and giving it to Him;
Was the start of the miracles; the journey begins.
But TODAY, was the day, a monumental event;
When into my arms, from Heaven was sent.
A BEAUTIFUL child, Gerber couldn't ask for more;
When I held her, I wondered, what does God have in store?
I had gone by my job, I had to see Mrs. Cook;
She had money to give me, which she took from a book.
But before she could get it, she turned and she said,
Do you mind holding her, she's already been fed.
In her hands was the daughter of their mother’s son;
"I'll take her right back, just as soon as I'm done."
I explained that it's been awhile, many years to be true;
She smiled and she said, it's easy to do.
It's like riding a bicycle, you never forget;
Now put out your arms, don’t worry, don’t fret.
Then into my arms, was placed a new life;
The last time that happened, it was done by my wife.
Her skin was like silk, her eyes soft & mild;
It'd been 20 years, since I'd held a child
As I held this infant, who smelled like milk and baby;
I thought I'd never again feel it, but now thought;
Just maybe.
Because when I lost Joy, my heart had been broken;
And the healing before now, had been just a token.
You see healing my pain, had for so long been a goal;
But in an instant, this child, has made my heart whole.
I held a child today.
Thank you, Rootie
 
 
 
Visiting Day
By Charlie G
 
I've made my way, across a hot scorched prairie;
To this very spot, where I must unbury.
Memories laid to rest, that have been put into the ground;
What I had fought to untangle, I am now once again, bound.
It's rope drawn so tight, it cuts into my skin;
I might loosen it a little, but I will never win.
My burden's shouldered, and this I must carry;
As I enter the cemetery.
The memories come, I can't make them leave;
They are here to make certain, I remember to grieve.
Show's over, curtains drawn, no more acting brave;
As I slowly approach, my little girl's grave.
Now sitting beside her, telling Joy how I feel;
How can I describe it? It's feeling surreal.
Then I give her my chip, and tell her I'm trying;
I tell her everything’s great! But she knows that I'm lying.
So I cry for awhile, the father bereaved:
Then climb to my feet and get ready to leave
 
 
 
 
Seems to come in 3's
By CharlieG
 
 
Floating off the ground;
Put the petal down;
Watch the world go round,
Right past you.
 
Living in a daze;
Looking through a haze;
Created by the blaze,
You ignited.
 
Always on the run;
Never see the sun;
Trying to have fun,
But failing.
 
Do not want to see;
What's inside of me;
So I pay the fee,
Ignore it.
 
Used to be so bold;
Body's getting old;
Now I'm always cold,
It scares me.
 
Slowing down the speed;
Listening to the need;
Know I need to feed,
What's inside me.
 
My soul gave me a prod;
Emptiness the rod;
Homesick for it's God,
I'm willing
 
Tearing down the wall;
Though it stood so tall;
Glad to see it fall,
I’m hoping.
 
Letting out my soul;
Serenity's my goal;
It's possible I'm told,
Just believe it.
 
Giving up my will;
I kept it up until;
I would've had to kill,
Myself.
 
Letting God come in;
No longer as I'd been;
Washed away my sin,
Forgiven.
 
The war in me has ceased;
Now I have that peace;
Given, not a lease,
Salvation.
 
We follow the paths that leads us;
For me that path is Jesus;
Searching is what pleases,
Our God.
 
Amen.
Charlie G
 
 
 
I sat at Temptation’s table; I hadn’t had enough;
Thinking “This is just too easy, and I am just too tough.”
By Charlie G
 
 
 
You could always find me in a poker tourney;
Before I started ‘It’s all in the JOURNEY.
So I’m using poker here as a metaphor;
Cause I still love the game, just not as before.
 
********************************
Easy does it; keep it simple;
I’d agree and show a dimple.
“Just don’t pick up” this I get;
While I think of one more hit.
I‘ve learned my lesson – no more pain;
While glancing at the old fast lane.
I felt time was slipping like glassed in sand;
So I enter the casino for one last hand.
It’s just for fun, I mouthed my lips;
As the dealer gave me a stack of chips.
Spotting – JUST ONE MORE – I sit at the table;
Because addict & alky is still my label.
Your lot in life is God playing poker;
We’re all dealt a hand; but some get a joker.
I looked at my chips, then

1 Comment
  1. CharlieG 13 years ago

    Thank you, jennla.

    Guys, here is the rest of the last poem. Not sure why it got cut off.

     

     

    Easy does it; keep it simple;
    I’d agree and show a dimple.
    “Just don’t pick up” this I get;
    While I think of one more hit.
    I‘ve learned my lesson – no more pain;
    While glancing at the old fast lane.
    I felt time was slipping like glassed in sand;
    So I enter the casino for one last hand.
    It’s just for fun, I mouthed my lips;
    As the dealer gave me a stack of chips.
    Spotting – JUST ONE MORE – I sit at the table;
    Because addict & alky is still my label.
    Your lot in life is God playing poker;
    We’re all dealt a hand; but some get a joker.
    I looked at my chips, then at the others;
    Staring at husbands & wives, brothers and mothers.
    A pusher is dealing; don’t they mean the same?
    Crack, smack or liquor; he’ll deal any game.
    With the pot full of temptation, I go all in with a bluff;
    Thinking, ‘This is just too easy, and I am just too tough.’
    Then somebody calls, as my head rises in fear;
    I look up at myself, when I only drank beer.
    Someone else calls: it’s me taking that first toke;
    Then another pushes all in; it’s when I first started coke.
    Somebody sits down and says, “Hello boys, I’m back!”
    I look at me once again, when I first started crack.
    Still another one bets, I see it’s me starting meth;
    And I notice everyone here has the resemblance of death.
    All the faces of family, that I thought I had seen;
    Were really just me, before I became a dope fiend.
    Then the pusher deals the flop, and turns up the first 3;
    There’s nothing even close, to what he’s dealt to me.
    Meth me’s lighter ain’t working, so he starts to throw a fit;
    While coke me is laughing, and takes another hit.
    The pusher deals the turn, this is card number four;
    Still nothing there for me, as I start to eye the door.
    Me with a beer is leering, as me toking looks sound asleep;
    Sitting so close to my old me’s – I see, “What you sow, you shall reap.”
    Finally the last card is turned up, this one is what’s called the river;
    I’ve lost my bet with temptation, and inside my soul starts to quiver.
    Now all my old me’s are smiling, and staring directly at me;
    I stand up and shout.” Stay away! I’m not who I used to be!”
    The me’s of my past are laughing, “Come on, it’s going to be fun.”
    “You played with temptation and lost; it’s time to start a new run.”
    I look for a way to escape me, my eyes again towards the door;
    But you can’t run away from yourself; I know – I’ve tried it before.
    So I’d have to deal with my me’s – and me not wanting to leave;
    When suddenly I remember – I’ve got an ace up my sleeve!
    With temptation piled high on the table, my recovery had started to cower;
    But then I stopped being afraid – when I remembered my Higher Power!
    Now here’s a little secret, when temptation pops out of the blue;
    And no matter what comes out of your mouth, inside you know that it’s true.
    Either you believe in a Higher Power, or it means that you’re here all alone;
    You can always call your friends, if they happen to answer the phone.
    But when your present meets the past, when you run into the gang;
    And temptation starts to tickle, but before it hits with a BANG!
    To stop the itch a scratch won’t touch & save the future grief;
    I’m here to tell you a secret; you have to have a belief.
    That there is something Higher, a Power greater than you;
    God, the steps & the fellowship; this is now your new crew!
    And with that knowledge I told me bye, I’d really had enough;
    I’d never try to bluff again; I wasn’t tough enough!
    peace
     
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