How far back have I gone?

It feels as if I'm back to square one. I'm back to being emotionally and psychologically unstable. Back to haveing a breakdown every other day. Back to harming myself… The other day Itried to carve the chinese character for love on my hand. I was stopped. But later that night I covered it with henna.

I know I should start seeing a therapist again… But I fear that they'll put me back on medication. I don't want that again, It just made me feel worse because Icouldn't recall any memories.

I just don't know what to do at this moment. That is why I am here. to try to stop or delay myself from hurting me. The thing is… I'm hurting myself as I write this… I'm hurting myself by recalling memories. Memories in which all the bad events, were all my fault.

How far have Ireally gone? It must be pretty far if i'm blaming myself for things other people would think is not my fault… But at the moment… Everything is my fault.

My friend was just in my room crying… He was crying! Why? Because of me… Because he felt he had a commitment to me… It's my fault… I made him feel that way. Now he's driving around town, not completely stable, and it's raining… Right now, I'm praying that nothing happens to him. I doubt he's driven in rain before. And the fact that he was just crying minutes before he left, makes it even worse… If something happens to him… I don't know what I would do… It would be all my fault.

I know I shoudn't burden any of you with this… but… I tried reaching out to a friend that I trust with this type of things… But… No responce… I felt that if I didn't talk about this to someone, I would be worse…

Anywho. I hope you guys are okay. And for any of you that live in California… RAIN!!!

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