I Can Feel It Coming On

You want to know how I feel, Tribe, I feel defeated. And I'm also appalled that it isn't an option for the mood box. Surely it must be one of those most common feelings we have here? Lately I find I'm feeling this way a lot.. In the past I think it was more of a despairing feeling, or hopelessness, but now I just feel empty. I don't think it's a good sign.

There are still moments in which I am stung by the unexpected pain of a thought and tears come to my eyes, but I'm finding that every time that I'm let down I realise that I might as well come to expect being let down in life. It seems to happen so often. And then I feel empty again. And I stop caring. Or believing that anything will happen that won't be a let down. That anything that gives me happiness won't turn back to bite me later.

"Suicidal ideation" has been occuring a lot more. I do not seriously consider it, but I find myself daydreaming about it often. The way that I would do it if I did. How to make it less painful. How to make it less messy for the person who finds me. Whether to leave a note, what to say. And then I push myself away from those thoughts in a frenzy and I look for something sharp to distract me from my thoughts. But then I pussy out. And then I cry.

Time seems to be moving so slowly. Is that a common feeling in people who are depressed, I wonder? The only hope that I cling to is that in the not-so-immediate future, years and years from now, my life could be completely different. A different place, different people. Different job, different skills, different outlook, different schedule. Different life altogether. And I think, maybe, when everything is different I could be happy. Just maybe. And I cling to that hope, and time seems to stand still so as to hold me in my current Hell as long as possible.

For a while there, I thought things were getting better, but I guess not. I guess we'll see how things go.

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